Its Stormy in Seattle

What am I Doing

A/N- I am so so so sorry that I haven't updated this story in a long time.

Merediths POV: as I laid in my bed watching the ceiling fan blades turning slowly I heard a knock on the door. It was Cristina. She walked into my room and sat quietly for a few moments, "So, what the hell are you going to do?" she asked, looking at me as though I was a lost puppy. "I don't know. I think I might transfer or take some time off... I mean I can't just avoid the McBastard for the rest of my surgical career, Right" I said worriedly to Cristina. "Mer you can't just leave me with all of those idiots, I wouldn't last a day without you" Cristina said truthfully. "I feel nauseous even thinking about Derek, actually I just feel nauseous in general" I said as I stared dully at the ceiling fan. As I continued chatting with Cristina I began to feel the strong urge to vomit, so I rushed to the bathroom and practically threw up my insides. Cristina stayed with me for most of the evening. She left around 9:30 to go home. I hardly slept at all that night, and I actually woke up early that morning around 4:30 to head to work and avoid Derek harassing me in the parking lot.

 ***At the hospital***

Little did I know Derek had an early surgery that had started at 4 that morning. I couldn't help but sit in the empty gallery and watch as he worked effortlessly on removing the patient's tumor. During the surgery, Derek looked up into the gallery to see me and paused for a second to look me over before returning to work.

***after the surgery***

I still sat in the gallery dazed as I watched Derek enter the scrub room, it was about 5:30 and my shift didn't start until 7. I felt empty inside and all I wanted was for my life to end and my problems to go away, but I knew that wouldn't happen anytime soon. I was lost in m own head when I realized the O.R. was empty. I headed down from the gallery to see if there were any other surgery's I could observe. I saw Derek looking at the board. He looked over at me and reached for my arm as I passed "Meredith" he said solemnly. "leave me alone" I said as I pulled my arm from his grip. I could hear him following me so as I rounded the corner and broke into a sprint, tears welling up in my eyes I ran and didn't stop until I had reached the empty intern locker room where I grabbed my phone and was about to call Cristina when I heard footsteps approaching. I slipped into the bathroom locking the door I slid down the wall and sat on the floor sobbing quietly. "Meredith?!" I heard Derek's voice call out through the locker room. I covered my mouth with my hand to muffle my sobs. why can't he just leave me alone, why does he have to pry into my life and ruin everything I thought. As I heard his footsteps depart I began te feel nauseous, but I hadn't eaten anything so there was nothing for me to throw up. After a few minuted I began to feel better and I headed out into the hospital and tried to distract myself with charts and work.I walked up to the Coffee cart and ordered a regular coffee and as I was adding the cream and sugar I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up to see Derek. "What" I said angrily to him. "Meredith... I just want to know if you are okay?" he said softly. "NO! Derek, i am not okay, so stop following me and asking" I said aggressively as I ripped my shoulder from his grasp and marched off.

Dereks POV

***in surgery***

I looked up to see Meredith looking sickly as she watched from the gallery. all I wanted at that very moment was to know how she was and make her feel better.

***after the surgery*** 

I saw her walking down the hallway and reached out to grab her arm, so I could talk with her, but she ran from me. I chased after her, but the stairs slowed me down. I walked into the intern's locker room looking for Mer, but she was nowhere in sight, so I decided to check up on a few of my patients. Around 6:30 I found Mer at the coffee cart. she snapped at me when I tried to talk to her. What in the world have I done, I fell in love with that woman, and now I have ruined my relationship with her. she won't even talk to me about what's wrong. I thought as i slowly followed after Mer "What the hell am i doing" i said to myself.