Chapter 24

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Woo, double update

|Chapter 24|

It actually felt nice this time. Him kissing me. I just gave in. Not stopping him. My arms wrapped around his neck and he pulled me closer to him. Was this a good idea? When I first graduated high school, I was positive I was going to marry Cameron and have kids with him, but then he ruined that by leaving me alone. You can't just let that go. The love of your life rejects you and your child. For the most part, I have forgiven him, but there are some things that I just can't let go of. Now, when she's older he wants to come back in and be her dad? I know it's been four years, but why when he saw me again did he decide he wanted to be apart of our lives? What about then? 

I pulled away from him. Tears welled in my eyes. 

"I-I gotta go. See you later." I ran out of his house. Call me dramatic, but I had been hurt deeply by him and seeing him again, kissing him again, just brought all that out of me again. All the emotions I tried so hard to bury. They rose to the surface and it absolutely killed me. I got to my car and squeezed my eyes shut. I breathed and wiped my eyes. I got in my car and drove off to eat my feelings. 

Sometimes I like to daydream about what our lives would be like if he stayed and told me he wanted this. I remembered how panicked I was and how I wanted to cry every second after I found out I was pregnant. 

"Cameron, I don't know how to say this, but I'm going to. I'm pregnant." 

"Is it mine?" 

"Who's else's would it be?" 

"Well, um. You have fun with that." 

"What are you saying?" 

"I can't. I can't be tied down. I can't have a child at nineteen, Rayne. I won't do it." 

"How do you think I feel?" 

"I don't care." 

"You said you loved me." 

"I did, but I don't anymore. I can't." 

"Don't. Don't leave me. Please. I can't be alone in this. I need you." 

"I can't do it. You fucking heard me. Goodbye." 

I remembered how he slammed the door when he left and never spoke to me again. I remembered how angry he looked when I told him. I remembered how he said he couldn't do it because he didn't want to be tied down. He didn't care how I felt then and all of a sudden he wants to be "tied down" with a kid and with me. I just don't get it. Remembering all that made me think about it more. How could I get so close with him and invite him in my home and let him meet my daughter that he left? And even give him a chance to be apart of her life and be her dad. Why does he want it now? Four years later when he could have already gotten some other chick knocked up and had a family with her. Why now? Why me? He told me he didn't love me anymore and that he wanted nothing to do with either of us. Now he can be all nice and I'm just supposed to let that go? I don't think so. He's going to have to try a little harder than that to get my love back. I can't be that easy and give in to some bastard who left me alone at nineteen and expected me to raise a child. What changed his mind? Why does he care now? I'll never understand it. 

~

I picked up Alexia and we went home and made cookies. I saw my phone ringing multiple times with his name on it, but I couldn't even bring myself to answer. I didn't want to deal with him right now. I didn't want to hear his voice or see his face because all I can here is 

"I can't have a child at nineteen, Rayne. I won't do it." 

Boo FUCKING hoo, bitch. You can have one at twenty three though, right? Gosh, I need an hour to just yell at him and make him feel my pain. But I wouldn't put myself through  that. All the tears and screaming just for him to still be an asshole that doesn't care about me. Hey, maybe he does, but so far he's only showing me that he wants sex from me. 

Alexia and I were sat on the couch watching Minions and eating the cookies from a plate. I didn't care how many she ate at this point. She has a shit father so far. The least I can do is give her a cookie. Sure, he's trying. Not hard enough. Honestly, there's nothing I can think of he can do to make it back in my good graces. After today and all the thinking I've done, I want nothing to do with him anymore. Nothing. She fell asleep on my shoulder and I turned off the TV and went to lay her in bed. Scratch that, my bed. I need someone warm to lay next to me. I'm so tired of being alone. I hugged her to me and just cried from stress. Stress from work, stress from life, stress from Cameron. I just wanted to wish it all away, but I know that's not how it works or how it ever worked. 

I sighed and wiped my eyes, not wanting to ever see him again. But, for Alexia's sake, I would do it for eternity because she deserves it. She deserves to have her father in her life and she deserves to having a loving family with mom and dad together. She deserves everything she missed out on without Cameron. She deserves to go to school and tell everyone she has a mommy and a daddy. My little girl deserves the world and so much more, but I just can't give that to her. 

[A/N: I just did it again. What.]

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