Been About You

Chptr 3: I Used to Love Him

"So just like that, you're about to let this man back in your life? What even happened with you two, we never got the full story. So spill the beans, sis." Nitasha and Jo-Lynn were currently hounding me about my earlier venture with Keith.

    We were all in my bedroom, scattered around with pajamas and face masks on. Waiting for Liandra to come with her special jungle juice, that I'd be on as soon as she was through the door with it. It's our usual girls' night, sit around and eat junk food, do facials and watch horror movies until we knock out.

    I sighed and contemplated about how I would explain everything that happened with Keith and I without still catching a feel about the whole situation. I still think about it and have those 'what if' moments. See, I wish I knew that being friends with your ex wasn't as easy as it's made out to be. Especially after you've planned a life together, made up baby names and how many kids you'd want with them. When you can see yourself getting happier because of that person and how they make you feel. Being able to talk all night into the early mornings just do it all over again the next day, that's when it's difficult to remain friends. But you try it.

           Then, it finally happens. They found someone new and are already calling them wifey; but you should laugh and be there as that friend regardless of that little pang of pain you feel because you remember when that was your name. That's how it was with Keith and I never once voiced how I felt to him, because why start confusion? I really wish I had though because maybe I wouldn't be doubting how I feel right in this moment—missing him but more so missing the thought of what we once had.

As I sit up completely off the back of my headboard, I look at Nitasha who's giving me a 'go ahead' face. So, I groan one more time and take a sip of my drink, "I'll tell you guys and will attempt to make it short not sweet."

            Flashback...   

Kiss back, come back, don't crack. Those are the rules, baby

How am I supposed to focus and try to write this song when I can't get my mind off Keith? He said he was on his way home at 12, it's now 2:32 in the morning. I walk out onto the balcony of our shared apartment in New York, everything seems to go in slow motion this time of night. There's a slight breeze and the sound of faint car horns are blowing. I love having this little tucked away piece of freedom with the love of my life, it's so serene. Well, that is when he's here.

    Just as I'm stepping back in and locking the balcony door, I hear keys jingling at the front door. There's talking and shushing then Keith and company look up to meet me standing there, giving them that death glare. There's some guy I've never meant before and they both smell like cheap booze mixed with sweat.    

"Hey K and random guy. I'm gonna go lay down, so enjoy your night."

"Baby! This is Gerry, a family friend. He just got into town so I treated him to a night out." His speech was slurred so terribly and I didn't want to deal with him like that, not tonight.

I walk past them both to pick up my laptop, earbuds, and phone off the couch, bumping Keith on purpose on my way to our room. While I'm putting my stuff on the side table, I hear Keith say he should go talk to his girl real quick. I watch him come into the room and change into a wife beater and some ball shorts. Practically ogling him, because he may be drunk as a skunk right now but he's still so fine.

    He stops to look at me, "Like what you see?" with that obnoxious smile afterwards to match.

Even though I did, I still wouldn't admit it. "Bye Keith, I'm about to go to bed." I sit on the side of the bed and plug my phone in, looking through my messages and setting alarms for the morning. Feeling his eyes watching my every move. "What do you want, Keith?"

"Why are you being so shut off from me?" Ever realize when a person gets either wasted or high, they want to talk about some emotional stuff. Every. Time. It never fails.

    With an eyeroll I look up at him, "I'm not shut off, you're not here so how am I supposed to be? By the time you come home you're either too tired to do anything with me or you're about to head back out for 'business'."

We just looked at each other, felt like hours but in reality just for two minutes. "You know what, we can talk about this in the morning. When you have a sober mind. Go enjoy your company." I start going through my messages again and Keith just sighs. 

       "Babe, I'm not worried about that nigga, I'm worried about you. About us. I want you to be happy, when you're happy then I'm happy. There's nothing more important to me than that."

How am I supposed to tell him that I'm not the happy girlfriend I was in the beginning anymore? I still love him with my entire heart but sometimes I don't see a future with the two of us anymore because I barely see him to even remember the features on his face.

        Then it resonates as I look back at him and he looks back into my eyes and it's like he can see that dim light that used to be a bright glimmer in the beginning. "You're not happy."

Silence falls and fills the room.

"How can I fix this, Jasmean, baby talk to me." There goes the stinging from holding onto the buildup of tears that's been collecting. It hasn't just been from tonight either, it's been 2 months of feeling like this, like we were missing something.

"I just, wanted you to fit me into your equation of the regular day but regardless of the countless times I asked, you can't even do that. You can't promise that we'll be forever and that you'll fight to be with me when I've been losing the battle every time!"

Now I'm standing up, turning to stare at the painting on the wall because anything is better to look at right now than Keith's eyes on me. He clears his throat and leans against the wall, looking up to the ceiling. "You know I'd fight forever to be with you, even if it's not right in this moment."

    Finally meeting his eyes, I walk over to him and cup his face. He leans in for a kiss and I give a quick peck before letting go and making my way to the bathroom. I wait until I hear the door to our bedroom close and let the waterworks begin. I cry for everything. I'm crying about how much time I put into this relationship that was supposed to be my last. I cry thinking about starting over with another person, how I wish everything was how it used to be because we are so good together but bad timing. I think about who might take my place and secretly hope that it won't work out. I'm crying about how much I love this man so much.

    The reason that I'm crying the most about is my relationship being over. Now he's pulling up and I might not be his anchor anymore, what am I gonna do?

There's a part two to the flashback, posting tomorrow or Saturday. as always, comments are appreciated and thankful to everyone who reads