My darkness

Slamming Doors

I'm running so fast I can barely feel my feet

I'm trying to catch it

Trying to catch my old life

Trying to hold onto the past

A past that I know is unattainable

But foolishly I still chase after the hope

The hope of keeping my family

But the door is shutting fast

The past is fading even faster

Leaving me in the present

Unsure of what to do

I can't truly live in the present, and move onto the future

When my mind,body, and soul are stuck in the past

I keep on running

In hope to catch the shutting door

As the last sliver of light that escapes the door shines out

The last glimmer of what my life used to be

I try to run faster

I try to be better to cause less problems

To talk less

Being a better daughter in hope to keep the door open even longer

But every day the door keeps on shutting even faster than the day before

The panic starts to set in when I can't even see the light anymore

Shining through the door of old memories

These memories have now been marred

By all of the darkness that has set in

Now when I think  of the past, I can only think about the last couple of years

When my life was altered

To never return to its original state

No amount of screaming, begging, or crying could stop this

The memories that I had once held onto are now dark

The door has slammed shut

As my body slides down the door in defeat

I've lost this fight

To keep my past ever living

It's gone now

Only bitter memories swirling in my head

But I still stand up and place my hand to the door

Trying to remember when the past was still filled with hope

I still tried to believe that there was still a chance

But in this chase I began to lose my innocence

That naive belief that I could harbor faith in my past

The fleeting thought that if I just squeezed my eyes tight enough

I would wake up from this dream that I couldn't wake up from

But once I put my hand on the door of my past

I finally woke up

Not from the illusion of keeping the past with me

But the reality that this world is cruel

And it will halt for no one if you aren't strong enough to keep going

But my curiosity wouldn't let my mind rest

I needed to know what became of my past behind this door

I turn the cold knob

And there it lies

A dark abyss completely silent

I slam the door shut

This is not my past

This is not the past that I kept hoping to go back to

But my mind has ruined my past

It refuses to remember all of the amazing memories

Now The only thing that lies within that door

Is the new pessimism that I have acquired

It shows that i'm no longer

The foolish girl

Chasing after an old life that I know I  will never have again