Job Openings: Philosophy and Prompts

Thought Experiment #5

What in the hell is heaven, and how does that shit work?

Generations of people in cultures all over the world have spent every waking moment (and likely every un-waking moment) of their lives obsessing about whether or not they will be allowed past the pearly gates into heaven. But how many people have actually sat down and considered what the hell heaven is?

What kind of place would equally allow Puritans and hippies; people from the beginning of Christianity, Judaism, and other religions (and possibly from the beginning of time, since Christianity and Judaism steal everything they consist of from other religions); people who repent on Death Row for committing heinous crimes and people who never had the nerve to shoplift gum?

Are some of these people deprived of privileges that others are given because of something naughty that they might have done in another lifetime, which may have been thousands of years ago in a dimension in which you live eternally? in other words, are some people holier than others? Is there a social class system in heaven? How do you compare a Puritan, who believed in austerity and minimalism to the point that they didn't even season their food, to a hippie who converted after a near-death experience caused by edibles? How do you compare Theodore Roosevelt or Michael Jackson to a cave person who killed five people so they could eat them and had children with their sibling (or a Neanderthal, who may be considered a subhuman animal if they were alive today) because there were no other people around?

Do people rate themselves 12/10 when they get to the top of the escalator and the guard just laughs and lets everybody in? Do they weigh your heart and see if you feel guilty, whether it's about committing a murder-suicide five minutes ago or cheating on a test in second grade? Is it based on the culture around them at the time of life, or is there a scoring system that has been constant throughout time?

How do we even know what this scoring system would be? How do we know that we're doing the right things to get into heaven? If we don't consistently know who goes to heaven or what it's like in heaven once you get past the magical white light that people seem to assume is the entrance to heaven, how do we even know that we want to go there?

Can you fuck up so bad in heaven that they get tired of dealing with you and send you to hell? Is it permanent or just temporary? What happens if you don't want to go back?

Wouldn't it be the perfect scheme for the villain to promise all of these wonderful things that you've always wanted after life in order to trick you into pledging your undying soul to them? Wouldn't they frame the other side as being "evil"? In the Old Testament and other, older Christian texts, God was a murderous, cruel, uncaring asshole. Who wrote/rewrote that text and why? How do we know that that isn't the being many of us worship? If Satan punishes evil-doers, how do we know that Satan is the evil being? What is even considered "evil"? What happens to people who are true neutral - not good, not evil, just... meh? Do they flip a coin? Do they let you choose? What happens if you choose the wrong one?

Isn't the concept of eternal life horrifying, too? (See What If... #7). Isn't that its own form of punishment? You can't expect bad habits and biological inclinations (i.e. our brains construct us versus them scenarios, which causes intergroup conflict) to magically cease once your body shuts down, so wouldn't heaven be full of conflict, too? Is there retribution for the wrongs others have done you on Earth? Would you exact revenge on them, even if you knew it meant being sent to hell for eternity? If you had the choice, would you end your eternal existence?

What happens if we colonize other planets? Do the dead still go to heaven and hell even if they never set foot on Earth? How far do you have to go to be out of the range of its signal? What will space colonization do to our concept of religion, if religion still exists when we make it into the latter half of the space age?

So tell me - does this sound comforting?: Eternal conflict, eternal boredom, eternal regret.