The Quiet Voice | Complete

Chapter 21

Chelsea's heart was aching. An ache that reached to the very core of her soul. How could her God have let Jonathan leave? How could God not know her needs, especially now that she'd been spending so much quiet time with Him.

Through all the years she had been so faithful. Always trying to do the right thing. Always putting others first. Why now when she needed Him most would He turn His back on her, allowing Jonathan to be tempted into an affair with Mila and leaving her to fend for herself?

Chelsea spent hours on her knees in prayer. Her quiet time with God being something she longed for when life got in the way and distracted her. She spoke to God about all her deepest, darkest fears and hurts... but she didn't feel Him near like she had before.

She cried and begged for Him to just let her feel His presence... but nothing... no answer came.

She carried on for hours, never taking a break, never shifting her focus.

By nightfall she eventually couldn't anymore and decided to sit in the back garden and write in her journal. Hoping that some peace would come over her and feed her broken heart and soul.

She walked silently through the quiet, nearly dark house, still shocked by the fact that Jonathan had left her. Even after she'd made him the centre of her world. How could he after so many years that she'd given him?

Chelsea poured herself some orange juice, grabbed a blanket from the couch and proceeded to the back garden, her journal tucked carefully under her arm.

The sun had just set and her heart broke a bit when she realised that she had missed her favourite time of the day. There would be no sunset or amazing orange and pink painting for her tonight. Tonight, was just about her, God and her journal.

Having missed her sunset got her thinking. Was that possibly where she'd gone wrong? Had God sent her a message that she never understood? A message that she'd possibly missed?

Her mind began to race through the years spent with Jonathan. The years spent with Mila. Her heart still ached at the thought of Mila's betrayal. They had been like sisters. How could she steal the love of her life and still look her in the eye every day at university? She knew how much Chelsea loved Jonathan. She knew their history. Their love story. And then she had the nerve to attend her and Jonathan's wedding with their love child!

Heated tears burnt down her cheeks and she angrily wiped them away with the back of her hand, wishing that her pain would disappear along with her discarded tears.

Chelsea snuggled up with the blanket on the soft two-seater she and Jonathan used to cuddle on. A wave of sadness washed over her, realising that she'd never share another memory like that with him again. Or with anyone else for that matter.

I'm all alone now God. I've lost my husband, my best friend and my unborn child. I have nothing left and I have nothing to offer. Who would ever want a broken woman. Especially a barren one like me.

Chelsea filled page after page in her journal that night. Opening the floodgates of her heart, pouring out all the pain and sorrow she'd kept hidden from everyone for so long. Always being brave. Always being strong.

Every hour or so she would return to the kitchen to refill her glass of orange juice or grab a snack. She even needed to bring back a box of tissues on one of her initial trips because as her pen's ink and her heart's pain flowed, so did her tears.

God, how can one heart handle so much pain? Haven't I already been through enough with Angela? Did I have to lose Jonathan, Mila and our precious child too?

Chelsea's grief came in waves as she sat waiting for God's presence. She wept and wrote for hours, often having to stop to clear the tears from her eyes and cheeks so that she could continue writing. Her words blurring so often that she couldn't see.

She was sure that her pain could fill a hundred journals and she would surely use up almost as many pens.

She wrote about memories and pains she didn't even remember, for she had obviously hidden them so deep in her heart. She wrote of new heartache and old, simply needing to purge herself of all the grief she feared might consume her if she didn't get it out in one way or another.

After all her words were out and her tears had run dry, one question came to Chelsea's mind... who am I?

She sat and thought about the question for over an hour, but couldn't answer it. Only then did she realise that she had lost herself along the way. She realised that by always putting everyone else and their needs first, she'd lost sight of who she was and what she needed and wanted in life.

"I think I'm beginning to understand," she whispered to God, "I need to find myself again and discover who I am and what I want and need in life. Is that what You were trying to show me and I missed it?"

That night was the first night, since Jonathan gave her the divorce papers, that Chelsea went to bed with a calm heart and mind. For once her thoughts were mute and her mind quiet. No thoughts of Jonathan, Mila, Angela or even her unborn angel interrupted her peaceful sleep. It was just her with God's arms around her. God was working and she was calm.

The next morning when she went out to fetch the mail, it contained a pamphlet from her local church. She never took much notice of it. Simply put it on the kitchen counter before buttering her toast and adding milk and sugar to her morning coffee.

Chelsea sat at the cosy four seater dining table and ate breakfast, planning her weekend as it was a Friday and she felt like doing something different that weekend.

The church pamphlet caught her eye and she picked it up for a closer inspection. The pamphlet had a bright yellow and orange background with a huge white question mark on it. The words read "Are you feeling like you've lost your way? Are you questioning your purpose in life and trying to find yourself? Come find yourself with Christ. He is after all the best tour guide of Heaven and Earth that you could ever ask for."

A knowing smile spread across Chelsea's face and a warm love filled her heart. Thank you, Father, for ALWAYS knowing what I need... even before I do.

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What an awesome God we serve. Such a gentleman. Thank you God for your plan for our lives and for loving us first.

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