At night,in the rain

One

"What? Oh yes it's Jess. What's wrong?...What? Oh im i..i..im..im coming." i dropped the phone. I threw my shoes on and grabbed my phone back from the floor, grabbed my keys and ran out my dorm room. I jumped in my car and turned the ignition. I pulled out of the parking lot and drive the longest 10 minuets to the hospital. "Um, Alexa, uh Parkins" i say to the lady at the desk. She told me which room it was in and i ran down the long hallway to the elevator. When i step onto the 3rd floor, i see Mr. And Mrs. Parkins in the waiting room, holding each other. And my other bestfriend Remy, sitting blank face. She spotted me and ran to me. I hugged her and she sobbed into my shoulder. We sat down by Alexa's parents and they explained "Stupid drunk drivers. Killing kids. Fu**ing kids!" was her dads explanation. "Wha wha what. What do you mean killing? Ha! She is fine! She'll be fine" i end the sentence with a loud enough whisper to be heard and a voice crack. "Honey, she, she isnt expected to make it" i stood up and paced around the room. I walked to the wall for the fourth time and stopped. I put my hands on the wall and steadied myself. "No no no..no" i whispered to myself. And tears began to fall. And i let them. I got to see her before they unplugged her a month later. I didn't want to go to her funeral because she is still alive to me. Just on a vacation. But i did. And reality hit. I ended my speech with "Alexa Parkins, no matter what, i will never speak in past tense about you. To me you are here. And you are. At least in our hearts.

I sat up in bed sweating from the dream or i would sat flashback. I screamed into my pillow until i finally stopped crying. We had just started college. It was supposed to be Alexa,Remy,and Myself. We had goals. But my bestfriend since 3rd grade, left. Not on choice i know, but because some dumb*ss idiot. No one drinks on a wednesday at 1pm. Like what the f*ck. But here is what we were told. Alexa was on her way to the store to grab a fee towels for her dorm. She wanted towels. Towels. Then a drunk couple, was driving, and ran a red light. Now Alexa had a small car and they had a van. Not only were they speeding but they ran a red light. So they hid Alexa and she had been in a coma. I was told the day after, and the doctors said she wouldn't survive but they could keep her on life support. They just took her off after a month of nothing. The hospital was pumping her heart ,making her breath. She was doing nothing. "Brain dead' is what we were all told.
I thought about her everyday. It's only been 3 months so obviously im shattered. But what hurt me was the people who thought they were there for her. And i eventually had to yell "Shut The F*CK up!" because i was in a diner and there were people acting like they were her friends for the longest and $*it. It is summer so I've got time to learn to cope before the school year and fake people.

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It was 330 and i was suppose to get ready to meet Remy at a cafe for breakfast. We had been trying to get through this together but Remy does alot of things so it's hard. And i know it sounds like a crappy friend move but it isn't under much control of her.
I throw on a crop top,jeans, and jean like jacket over. Remy requests a picture of what i look like today. I straiten my hair and send her a pic.

Ugh i felt so bad for well carrying on my life. I dont mean kill myself no. I mean i feel bad for doing anything without my bestfriend. I know Remy is here but when we meet up she tells me why she wanted to talk to me.

She was moving.
From Cali.
To texas.
Now i wouldnt be able to do it.
I make it through the conversation acting as though I'm fine. But there was a pain somewhere inside me that started destroying all of me little by little. And it started with me losing Alexa.