just brain things.

uncle.

My mother's brother and I have always had this really close relationship and I would never be nervous around him.

At all.

But now I'm so fucking scared.

And I'm not even scared of him or his wife or even the kids.

I'm scared because it's not as usual.

He tries to talk to me and I answer with short sentences or just laugh.

I can't bring myself to start a conversation with any of them.

I've gotten so bad at socializing.

I'm hiding behind a wall of pillows in the corner of the sofa.

My ear hurts.

The music is too loud in my headphones but I don't want to hear them and I don't want to talk to them or even sit next to them.

It's scary because it's not like it should be. Like it used to be.

I feel like crying.

But crying leads to questions.

And I want to be alone in my house.

I want them to go home.

I couldn't even eat all my breakfast because I was nervous and now my stomach hurts like hell.

Why can't I talk like usual?

I always talk non-stop when I'm home with only my family and also with Erik who is the only friend I am 100% comfortable with (I really need one of his hugs rn)

I used to be able to do this around my other friends and relatives too.

But now it's just like my brain tells me not too, that it's better to hide behind the sofa and listen to piano music way too loud.

And now they're judging me for being an introvert annoying teenager that won't ever let go of her phone.

And that's exactly what I act like atm.

But is it really that bad?

I mean, if I calm down when I look at my phone and ignore the others, isn't that a good thing?

But I don't plan on telling them so I guess they can judge me all they want.

And now my friend asked me if I want to go up north to my other friend with her.

But I really don't want to.

I really really really don't want to.

It's scary.

I want to spend the rest of the break in my bed listening to music and watching yt videos, not talk to people.

And yes I like both of these friends.

But one of the biggest reasons I kept taking the 2 hour train up there almost every weekend last year is dead and the friend that still lives in the house is not enough for me to socialize.

And I feel guilty but that's the truth.

The fact that my mother thinks it's a great idea that I socialize the last week of the break doesn't really help my situation, and I will probably be forced to go.

I'll just have to try to avoid the humans and talk to the sheep as much as I can.

Ugh.

I want to go back to the way I was before but I think that's impossible.

Let's just hope I'm not like this in my new school.

I'll die.