Of Lions, Wolves, and Dragons (Jon Snow)

55. In a Quandary

If Joellyn had been drinking anything, she would have spit it out in shock at Sansa's casual remark that she and Jon should get married.  She loved Jon, would always love Jon.  She had no doubt in her mind that she was meant to be here and be with Jon, but marriage wasn't something that had remotely crossed her mind.  When she married Oberyn, it was because her father insisted that she marry someone not because she wanted to get married, but she ended up falling in love with Oberyn anyway.  And what good came out of their marriage?  She lost the baby they had made and lost him too quickly.  Almost every marriage she had ever seen wasn't happy or didn't end well.  She really didn't want that for her and Jon.

Jon seemed shocked at Sansa's comment as well.  The three of them stood in silence for a moment, then Sansa broke it by saying, "Look, I know neither of you have thought about this, but I have.  Joellyn, you left the protection of your family to help me, to help us.  We have to be here to protect you now."

Joellyn shook her head as she argued, "I didn't have protection with my family.  It was safer for me to leave.  I'm safer away from them, even without marriage."

Sansa shrugged and continued, "Regardless, you left your name and title with the Lannister family behind.  We owe it to you to bring you into our protection now.  We have Winterfell, and you will be safe behind our walls, but you'll be safer if you have a legal relationship to connect you to us.  No one would dare harm the wife of the man that led them into victory."

Joellyn didn't know how to feel.  She had no doubts about her feelings for Jon, but she certainly had a lot of doubts about whether or not she should marry him just for protection.  She looked over to Jon and couldn't read his face to know what he was feeling.  It almost seemed as if he was trying to hide what he was feeling because there was no expression at all on his face.  He nodded once then said calmly, "Thank you for your advice, Sansa.  You've given us something we have to consider."

Sansa bowed head and apolgoized to them both, "I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable.  As you said, we have so many enemies, and you do too Joellyn.  I just want to make sure you're safe," then began to walk away from them.

Joellyn felt guilty about making Sansa feel bad, so called out to her, "Sansa!"  Sansa turned around to look at her, so Joellyn continued, "I appreciate your concern for my safety.  It just took me by surprise is all," then looked at Jon as she said, "We'll talk about it."

Sansa nodded and headed back down into the warmth of Winterfell leaving Jon and Joellyn alone on top of the wall.  An uncomfortable and tense silence settled over the two of them, and Joellyn hated that Sansa had even mentioned anything about her marrying Jon.  Things were going so well between them before.  Now things just felt awkward and uncomfortable, and she certainly didn't know what to say to break the silence.  Instead of trying to think of anything, she walked back over to the edge of the wall and stared over the snowy landscape trying to determine how she felt.

She felt Jon's presence beside her, and tried to ignore his closeness as she processed through what she was feeling.  Of course she wanted to be with Jon, but she didn't want to be forced into marriage again, and that was exactly what this felt like.  Sansa was suggesting a marriage so that she would be protected and cared for, not so that she could be Jon's partner and equal.  She felt just like she did back in King's Landing all those years ago when her father told her that she would be marrying a stranger, and she didn't like feeling as if she had no choice in the matter.  She wanted to be with Jon, but she didn't want to marry him because the Lady of Winterfell thought it would be the smartest move.

She let out a puff of breath and asked, "What are you thinking?"  In all this, she still had no idea how Jon felt about Sansa's suggestion.

Jon shifted next to her and let out a breath as well before said, "We don't have to make a decision about this just because Sansa suggested it, Joellyn.  If you don't want to marry me, I won't force you to.  I'm not your father."  At his words, Joellyn felt her heart break.  There was sadness in his voice and she was afraid that she had hurt him.