It gets better

17/11/2016

I feel alone. Like I'm falling. Falling down a bottomless pit... All alone.
After a storm, the sun is supposed to rise, and it has. But I'm still stuck in the shadows. It's worse then the storm. I can see the light, I can see the happiness. It's so close... Yet so far. I sit there, alone in the shadows, waiting for the sun to change its position so I can once more be free from my prison of darkness. It seems that'll never happen now.
I cried myself to sleep last night. Not that that's anything new. It's easier to fall asleep when my whole body is exhausted from crying.
I've been keeping an elastic band on my wrist, so I can snap it against my skin, instead of cutting. It's not the same though. I don't count it as self harm because there's no lasting effect. No mark. I'm 2 months and 6 days without cutting. I won't cut. But I'm keeping the elastics on my wrist.
I hate myself, and most everything in this world. I've been finding it nearly impossible to be happy lately. People keep making fun of me for being obsessed with different movies like Babylon 5 and Lord of the Rings. What they don't understand is, I'm not obsessed with the actual show. I'm obsessed with the joy watching it gives me. With the idea that there is a happy ending, the good guys pull through through and win. It gives me something to think about other then everything wrong with me and the world. It's my happy place.
I'm trying to starve myself now. My goal is to be about 80 pounds. I'm 137 right now and I hate it. I feel fat and gross. People tell me I'm not, but they're all my friends and family. They have to tell me I'm pretty and skinny and smart even though I don't think I am. I'm not going to eat breakfast or lunch, just dinner and a light snack after school. My friends and family would kill me if they found out. But I don't care, they just won't find out. People don't think I can keep a secret. But I'll show them...

I know it's stupid but I can't help but wonder. How long until the sun changes and I'm free from the darkness? How long until the depression leaves and happiness returns? How long do I have to wait for the peace I crave? How long?

I really hate how depressed I am. Not because of the depression itself (but that sucks too) but because of how privileged I am. I have a family who love and support me. Friends who care about me. A roof over my head, nice clothes, nice food, and enough money to go on vacation every once and a while. Yet I have this sinking depression where I hate life and most of all, hate me.

It seems like every time the sun starts to overcome the shadows, and I smile and laugh for real, the shadows kick the sun like a soccer ball so the light soars even farther away, casting even longer and darker shadows. This has been happening so much lately, that I'm afraid to let myself be happy.