Living with hell every single day. Anticipation, pain, avoidance, etc. Anxiety about what I said or how I said it. The fear that I said something wrong. The worry of other peoples disapproval! The biggest and hardest is the fear of rejection or not fitting in. Hiding the feelings deep inside me and putting up a defensive wall to protect my feelings from anyone knowing cause if they know, I will be judged.
I am afraid to walk down the street or stand in line at a grocery store cause what if people are starring at me. Then to make it worse, you have to talk to the cashier. There, then is anxiety about whether you are making a fool of yourself.
Anxiety about leaving the house, getting out of my bed...my looks, oh god, yes, LOOKS! Anxiety about what the fuck I should wear so that boys don't get the wrong idea and I don't become a victim AGAIN.
Oh and who am I going to run into? What if I wear the wrong thing and someone does not like it? Are my teeth yellow? Should I smile? What if I run out of things to talk about? Can they see I am anxious? Am I hiding it good enough?
The replaying of what I said and how I said it after getting off the phone. So help me, if I find something that I did wrong.....the rest of the day and night will be spent analyzing how much of a horrible person I am.
Social anxiety makes me want to hide and never come out. Then there's those people who say that I am selfish and socially awkward or the ODD one out and fucked up child that was NEVER worth living. People even like to tell me that I will never get through life being low profile but tell me how the hell you just wave a magic wand to make the anxiety just go away and disappear. I would love to know. Once you find a "cure", please tell me. Until then I don't want to hear your opinion! To all the people who don't understand, it does NOT just go away. You CAN'T just get over it! It does not work. It is something that is just there.
Its a demon that sits in your ear and asks you these questions over and over and the worst part is that it does not go away. It stays quiet for the while that you are hiding but once you move, that demon starts talking you out of shit and arguing with you and almost always the demon will win!!!!!
#FightTheSocialAnxietyDemons
Please don't let them win!
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Where Words Are Silenced
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