do you ever feel sad, like generally so fucking sad that you just cant feel anything else. you dont want to be sad but your body physically stops you from feeling any emotion other than pain and suffering, you're trapped inside your own mind and its confusing the hell out of you. you dont think like a real person, you dont even know what its like to be a normal fucking person. i have held back more tears than i could possibly count, sometimes i just want to sit, by myself and cry because im so tired of everything. i have friends, i have people that love me but the more i take notice the more i realize that none of these people know how much pain im in. i would never let another person understand me on that level, it seems to risky to allow someone to know how fucked up your emotional state is. they'll remember that and will for ever be able to hold it against you. my chest hurts, my heart feels like its crushing into more pieces than i could ever imagine possible. its not even that i dont like who i am as a person or that i dont want to be a part of this world anymore, i just forgot how to be okay. i forgot how to laugh when something actually brings me joy because im so used to shrugging my shoulders and never changing my facial features. does everybody feel like this, i dont know if its just one in many or one and none, but i honestly cannot take it anymore. i want to laugh when im happy, and cheese so hard my cheeks turn red from excitement, i want to cry knowing that its okay, knowing that us as humans are allowed to not be okay sometimes, but i cant. i rather hate myself everyday than let everyone see me as the girl thats not okay and that right there is not okay. i feel like i never get the chance to take a deep breath, i just gulp back my thoughts, i've held in so much and i feel like continuing to be this person just isnt worth it anymore. if i cant bring happiness to other people why should i ever deserve it. i dont want to feel like a nobody but it pains me to think maybe thats all ill ever be.
