freedom.

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[ trigger warning?? ]

it had been about two nights since the terror incident, and i was honestly still frightened. deep down inside, i felt as if it was my fault. like i caused it, you know, my dad and brother leaving? one taking their own lives? dammit, more fucking guilt.

my thoughts occurred, reminding myself about the day when my mother blamed me as well. was something that i didn't know about actually my fault? was i the reason? the cause of my mother never taking her time to cease her drunk nagging, my father never taking his time to come back, and josh's suicide? was i responsible for this?

i just had to approve of the fact that things weren't going to ever be the way that they used to. people come and go, but when someone decides to take their own life its different. sure, this is coming from a girl who forged others suicides. dammit, i'm mentally fucked up.

  right now, i was placed in the passenger seat, not one bit of illumination making it's way through my eyelids. the gloomy sky gleamed through the windows, my eyes fluttering open. around me was absolutely muted, so silent it brought suffering to my ears.

  my body tensed up, my head turning over to see an empty drivers seat. my brow raised, my pondering about the past instantly vanishing. my hazel orbs scanned the outside of the vehicle, attempting to spot him somewhere. but i couldn't, it seemed impossible. the trees hovering over me, the pitch black sky from above tormenting me.

  i could detect the trepidation  building inside of my chest, slowly coursing it's through the rest of my body. where was he? i drew in a shaky breath, gripping and opening the car door.

  deep breaths. concentrate. look ahead. continue walking.

    those repeating demands flooding my mind, not knowing if i was going in the opposite direction of jason, or even knowing where he was. bloody hell, anything could be occurring right now.

it wasn't like him to leave me behind without informing me about where he was heading, that might sound selfish or creepy, but i became used to it. he constantly informed me so much, to the point where i became fond of it.

  my feet slowly roamed over to the woods on the side of the road, not being able to to view anything in my presence. my weight crushed leaves and branches from underneath, desperately desiring to be able to see. time felt as if was lapsing, increasing my anxiousness.

  more and more steps led me deep into the woods, without even pondering about it. i wasn't able to escape, but i was certainly misplaced. nowhere to run, all i fancied was to target jason. i had an inferior, and awful feeling in my gut, not leaving me alone.

  "j-jason?" i stuttered, continuing to call his name, cupping my hands around my mouth in attempt to be louder, while hoping patiently waiting for his appearance.

  it had been about twenty minutes now, the sky still gloomy and dull. my eyes squinting, striving to being able to see entirely. it was completely ridiculous that i couldn't find my way back, that fact continuously taunting me, my anxiety increasing while giving me gasoline to flame, overpowering me.

   weak, exhausted, and shaking, my back slid down against a tree, my body collapsing. i felt as if i landed in a pool of my own body and clothing, a puddle. not one that i had imagined, but a puddle so deep i could drown. continuing to cry, letting it all out, i was going to give up on finding my way back.

  easing to head to my destination, i would get myself more lost. who knows, jason could be arriving back at the vehicle, while i sat here crying in the depth of the darkened woods, having a hard time being able to even sight my own two hands in front of my eyes.

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