•Notes•//DingDulian

•1•

Ding Dong:
It's been about two Month now since this started.Two Month since I told him  that I loved him.Two Month since he rejected me.
Never in my Life have I been so hurt or sad.I felt like we felt the same and when I finally got all my confidence together and told him he just looked at me and then got up and left.After he came back he went to my room and told me he was sorry but he didn't feel that way towards me.We still live together and I guess we're still "Friends "but It's weird,He's so awkward around me.I told him that I moved on,but I didn't and I couldn't.I loved him too much.
I've been sitting at my desk with a little notebook Julian got me for my Birthday that I haven't used yet.After sitting there and starring at it I sarted doodling in it a bit and then put it back in my shelf.I laid down on my bed and starred at the ceiling.It was total silent until I heard Julian shout through the apartment.
„I'll go to Matt and Ryan's Place with Chris"
„Okay"I shouted back right when he closed the door.So now they're all
hanging out together without me well okay then.I was pretty hurt and It didn't take 5Minutes until I was crying into my blanket.
About 30Minutes passed that I just sat there sobbing and feeling the worst I felt in a few days.I decided to take a shower and then go to sleep because it was 11pm.It took me about 10 more Minutes to get out of bed and walk into my bathroom.When I entered the bathroom I looked into the mirror just to see how ugly I was.No Surprise that no one will ever love me.After taking a few deep breaths I got into the shower and started crying again.Why was I such a mess I wish for at least a Day I could not be a pathetic piece of shit.While I was in the shower I starred at the cupboard.After thinking a bit I got out of the shower,wrapped a towel around me and got a small box out of the cupboard.I took one of the sharp razors out of it and then sat down on the floor sobbing harder than I was before.I haven't done this in probably over a Year or even longer.There were still a lot of faded away scars on my thighs some of them were pretty big and still visible but some of them were already long gone.Julian saw them one day when I wore ripped Jeans which caused me breaking down crying because I was terrified of his Reaction.I didn't want him to know.
It didn't take long until my left Arm felt numb I just kept and kept running the small sharp metal piece over my skin.I didn't stop until I started feeling dizzy and i heard the front door open.Julian was back,Fuck.I took all the strength I had,got up and Threw the Razor in the Trash can.With just a towel I walked out my bathroom and rushed to my bedroom and to my closet to put on a sweater.After searching a my closet I found a black sweater with the Japanese Sign for the word 'Heaven' on it.Right when I put it on Julian walked in and looked at me standing there half naked and a blood soaked sweater which you luckily coudn't see.
„Isn't that mine?"He started laughing and this is the first time in Two Month that he didn't seem awkward around me.
„I don't actually know" I looked at the sweater and them back at Julian.He looked so pretty and his hair looked so incredibly soft.
„It's like 2 sizes to big for you,It is mine."He smiled and I couldn't but smiled back and I felt kinda happy.
We were now just standing there looking at each other and I started feeling uncomfortable because I just had the sweater and underwear on and I knew Julian was looking at my legs,I just knew it.
„Sorry I didn't ask you if you wanted to come with us to Matt and Ryan"He looked kinda guilty and It made me sad.
„It's fine Julian"
Suddenly he walked toward me and gave me a hug.I wrapped my arms around him and held him as tight as I could,god did I miss this.And all of a sudden everything hit me and how this doesn't mean he likes me and how he only does this because he pities me.I started crying so I buried my head in his shoulder.
„I'm an awful Person I'm sorry Ding Dong"All these 2Months that he almost didn't talk to me and acted awkward around me and now he's just like that again.My sobs got worse and I don't really now how I was still crying after crying for almost 2hours already today.
„Fuck I'm so sorry"I felt him grabbing the loose sweater on my back and I think he was crying too.
„It's okay.I-...It's in the past."
As much as I didn't want to I let go of him and looked at his Eyes which were red and his shirt which had a wet spot on his shoulder from me crying.
„You wanna watch a Movie"I was hoping he said yes because it's been to long since we had a movie night.
„Yeah but I need to shower first."I nodded and before he left the room I just had to ask him.
„Why did you apologise,Why now?"
„Chris and Matt kept telling me I've been treating you so bad that I should apologise right now.I wanted to for so long but I ...I don't know.I'm sorry Ding Dong"The last few words were basically whispered.
„it's fine Julian"I smiled at him and then sat down on my bed while he left the room.I'm so glad we finally figured this out.My phone buzzed and when I looked at it I saw that Chris texted me asking if Julian apologised.After sending a quick text I put on some sweatpants ,took out the notebook again and instead of drawing I wrote a short note.