•Notes•//DingDulian

•16•

DingDong:
When I woke up I heard Julian walking around the apartment talking to someone which I soon figured out was Chris.
„You're so dumb"It seemed like Chris was mad at Julian.Julian apologised a few times but then Chris said he shouldn't apologise to him instead he should be apologising to me and with that the front door shut and I guess Chris left.I didn't even want to leave my room.I know I would start crying the second I saw Julian.This Time I won't believe him when he tells me that he loves me,because he doesn't and it will only hurt more believing his lies.
Julian opened my door and when he noticed I was awake he walked over to my bed and sat down.
„Chris told me" Of course he did
„It's fine" I just starred at him trying not to cry.
„I just think he's cute Okay.I would never be able to fall in Love with him.We're Friends."I nodded ignoring the fact that this was once again just Julian lying to me so I would feel better.
„You don't love me Julian It's fine,just please don't lie to me"He shook his head.
„Ding Dong I do.I love you and you only."Julian put his hand on the side of my face trying to pull me closer but as much as I wanted to kiss him I grabbed his hand and backed it away from me.
„You don't.Please go Julian"I was starting to cry and I don't know what hurt more,The Fact that he just left with that or the Fact that he doesn't even care.I put my hand where Julian's hand just was and I immediately wished I would've just gone with it.
After a while of crying I opened the drawer of my bedside table to look for my headphones but when I found scissors I gave up looking for the headphone.I took out the scissors and looked at it until I decided to actually use it.The first Thing I did was hold it against my left hand and I didn't cut like I usually do this time I cut my skin like paper,It hurt like hell yet it felt so good.It left a big cut and it felt better than cutting so I carried on on my Leg.I cut out 5 pieces of skin on my leg just like you would cut out paper.They only bled a bit so I didn't bother putting bandages around them.I looked at my thighs and noticed how fat I got.
When I walked to my bathroom and stepped on the scale I immediately regretted it.I weigh 70kg that's too much I'm 1,85m I should weigh way less.I started crying and went back to bed.Guess I'm too fat for Julian to love me.I was at the edge of being underweight and I wanna reach that I wanna be skinny even if it means that I can't be eating anymore.
After researching about starvation and bulimia for about 3hours Julian came into my room asking me If I was still mad at him.
„I'm not mad at you"
„Then why are you so upset"Because I love you so much but you clearly don't love me you fucking idiot.
Instead of answering and telling him the truth I just shook my head and kept looking at my laptop which was on my lap (how ironic).
„Stop"He sounded pissed off.
„What?"
„You're clearly upset with me and instead of telling and figuring this out with me so we can be happy you pull this shit?What are you doing??"Julian was raising his voice and for the first Time ever I felt like I was actually fighting with him and It felt horrible.
„You wouldn't understand anyway so why bother huh?"I raised my eyebrows and waited for a response but he just stood there.
„This is why It took me so long to realise "I loved you" I guess I just felt pity and I was lonely but Matt seemed interested in me so why not give him a shot"he smiled at me and nodded.
At this point I was crying really bad but I somehow managed to still get words out of my mouth.
„Go ahead ,But don't hurt him and make him wanna kill himself just like you did with me,babe"I laughed and with that he left.How did this happen.
How did it come this far.