Tyson VS Life - Book One - Drug War

Chapter 10: Small Altercation

School had ended, and the Anti-Asspol Avengers were once again wandering around the local shopping centre, Tyson dragging them past 9/11TM for another one of his daily SLURPERSTM and a pre-packaged week old taco.

"So why the hell would Moogoo be bringing drugs into the school, especially something like Asspol? And how'd he get people to sell it? What the fuck is even going on?" Ryan questioned.

Tyson tapped his drink's straw against his head as if it were a pencil and he were the world's greatest detective.

"I don't know, but the only way to find out is to like, search his office or something." Jacob was visibly excited by this idea.

"Great idea, and then I can steal my gun back!" Hodge gave him a worried look.

"Well, look who it is!" said a voice from behind them. The avengers snapped around to see a group of Year 7-8 children, all armed with a variety of sharp and blunt objects, along with a couple of guns.

"Oh for fucks sake."

Lucas said, sighing. The guy in front stepped forward.

"My name is Sweet Dick, and you're the assholes that killed Sugar Nips and Tire Mike!" Hodge glared at the enemy gang. From the back, someone threw out a racial slur. For the next few seconds, everyone was silent, before Hodge shoulder charged in and smashed one of the kids, Tickle Fingers, into bloody chunks. The battle began.

Lucas stepped forward to face Sweet Dick.

"What the fuck is up with your names anyway?"

Sweet Dick chuckled. "It's a sign of power, you wouldn't understand."

The two dashed forward and met in close quarter combat. The blonde stuck his fingers into Dick's neck in a claw grip fashion and tugged, tearing out his throat. Sweet Dick fell to the ground, spitting up blood and gasping for air. Lucas put on a pair of sunglasses.

"Give Sugar Nips my regards, in hell."

On the other side of the fight, Hodge was tussling with three guys of his own. Lucas slipped by him quickly.

"You should try some of that CQC I taught you." he suggested.

Hodge gave him a disgusted look. "Nigga I ain't doin that gay shit."

One of the guys in front of his jumped forward, and his head promptly exploded, the black man's foot where his brain once was. The other two blinked for a couple seconds, before one drew a gun and the other readied his katana.

Revolver Hatman and Weaboo Jones steeled themselves for battle. Hodge roared, grabbed Hat by the neck and started to squeeze. Weaboo Jones interrupted him by using his Swift Strike and slashed across Hodge's legs. The black man dropped Revolver Hatman, who performed a combat roll and assumed the position with his .357. From behind him, Jacob rushed in and sent his foot flying into the back of his head, splattering bits of skull and brain all over the place. He picked up the deceased cowboy's revolver and unloaded a few rounds into the guy running towards him with a cricket bat. Sportacus Jim collapsed to the ground as his left arm exploded. Weaboo Jones screamed in broken Japanese and rushed at Hodge, who grabbed him by the face and readied a throw.

Tyson turned towards the one known as Finger Binger and smirked. The ginger dropped to the ground and rolled between Binger's legs, tearing off his pants as he went. Binger attempted to cover his shame, but there was nothing to cover, as Ryan had drawn his backup pistol and blown his nuts right the fuck off. Binger collapsed face first and Tyson unceremoniously tea-bagged his corpse.

Weaboo Jones slammed into the wall at full force, breaking his spine, and then fell to the ground on his knees. He muttered an apology to his family in Japanese and attempted to stab himself with his katana. Hodge snatched the blade and sliced across Jones' chest, causing him to open his mouth to scream, though he didn't get the chance as his sword had been shoved hilt first down his throat. He remained alive for 6 more hours.

The enemy group was thinning, the gang unable to fight back against the pure violence that was the Anti Asspol Avengers. Two more of Nips' Warriors ran from around the corner to join the battle. At this point, they were getting sick of being massacred so easily. One with a grey beanie flipped out his Windows Phone and dialed in backup.

"This is Brown Beans, we need Bastion here right now!"

Hodge snapped around. "Bastion!?" he yelled in shock, though wasn't given much time to think, as the second of the new arrivals ran forward and clamped onto his leg.

Hodge flew up into the air and performed a spin kick, slamming the guy on his leg into a stop sign. Jacob trotted forward to join him, grabbing Beans' head in his massive hands and then squeezed, turning his head into a red mess and dropping him on the ground. His grey beanie floated down and landed in the brain chunks.

All of a sudden there was silence. Sweet Dick and his men were dead. Everyone took a second to breath, before a large screech interrupted the temporary peace. A truck rounded the corner at breakneck speed, a MG42 mounted in the bed.

"Where the fuck are shits like these getting motherfucking MACHINE GUNS?", Lucas yelled. The child operating the gun chuckled and opened fire. Tyson ran behind a garbage bin on the side of the street, and tried to formulate a solution to the heavy gunfire pinning them all down. His stomach rumbled, disturbed. Suddenly it dawned on him.

"Of course, the taco!" he shouted. "Ryan, I need you to cover me!"

The Jew gave him a confused look, but complied, pulling out his backup handgun and fired a few shots at the truck. The gunner turned his attention on the small arms fire and began spraying. Tyson sprinted out from behind his cover, performed a somersault and landed, his ass facing the machine gun. The kid at the gun glanced over, but did nothing. Tyson dropped his pants, and this caused the gunner to react, spinning the MG towards him. But it was too late for him. The ginger began to yell at the top his lungs;

"TOKYO.... SANDBLASTEEEEEEEEEEER!"

From his anus came a violent torrent of shit that slammed full force into the truck, flipping it on it's side and sending it flying through the air into a building across the road, smashing into the front display of an adult store. The gunner flew out as well, and was hit directly in the face with a particularly large log of shit, shattering his skull. He twirled through the air and slammed into a signpost, splitting him in twain. The driver crawled from the shit covered truck, his eyesight obscured by brown liquid. Wiping it from his eyes, he looked up to see a rotund ginger looming over him, who chuckled.

"Looks like you're...", Tyson stopped to slide on some sunglasses. "...in deep shit!"

The driver pulled a handgun from his belt, and Hodge prepared to take him out, but the poor driver turned it on himself and splattered his brains across the road. Lucas stared and began to speak.

"What the actual fuck."

The group moved through the streets, celebrating their victory. Lucas slapped Tyson on the back.

"What the fuck was that Tyson? I can't decide if I should be impressed or disgusted..."

Tyson punched him jokingly.

"You better impressed, or I'll do it again and hit you this time."

They chuckled. Tyson stopped.

"I'm serious."