Survivor

Chapter 49

Shepard
  I bolted upright, my mouth open in a silent scream and my body covered in a cold sweat.
  My heart raced as I gathered my surroundings, taking it in slowly that I had only been dreaming.
  Garrus slept soundly beside me, his soft snoring helping to pull me into reality.
  I gathered the sheets closer to me, a tear slipping down my cheek as I ran my fingertips over the silky scars that covered my body.
  I let out a soft sob as I climbed out of bed as quietly as possible, covering my mouth to muffle any sound I made as I padded to the bedroom door.
  I pressed the button to open the door, wincing at the sound it made as it opened. A glance back told me Garrus has only stirred and I slipped out, letting the door shut behind me.
  I trailed my hand along the wall, a habit from when I had been blind, and managed my way downstairs, for once grateful for my experience with lack of sight.
  I entered the kitchen and turned on the lights at twenty percent before I grabbed a glass out of the cupboard and filled it with water.
  I downed that before I grabbed a bottle of whiskey and my empty glass and made my way to the couch, leaving the light on in the kitchen.
  Too many questions had been asked last night. Too many I didn't want to answer.
  I feigned memory loss and secrecy, but the truth was, I remembered every little detail. Especially when I laid down to sleep.
  It seemed to have gotten worse since I started going out on rescue missions.
  Nearly every one was celebrated, despite the last having been only an eighty percent live recovery.
  The other twenty percent gnawed at me.
  What if we could have been faster? What if the rescues before the losses hadn't been so long? What if we had better tools? What if they had a better commander?
  I popped open the bottle and poured myself a drink, downing it immediately, and poured another, only to stare at the drink as I frowned.
  One of the victims to pass as we initiated the rescue had only been fourteen, by the Omni-Tool scan estimation.
  The body of the boy laying there, lifeless... It had been nothing less than gut wrenching, and still haunted me.
  The image was burned into my mind, as if it had been a hot iron to the skin. Even that would have been less painful, though.
  I downed the drink in my glass and poured another.
  Every time we were too late, I remembered Artemis murmuring that we couldn't do anything for them anymore, even as I swallowed down the guilt and horror.
I knew he was right, it just never made it any easier to bear that we had lost another.
Memories of Mordin flashed through my mind and my heart clenched as a sob ripped through me.
I had never been able to have time to truly grieve his loss, and now it hit me like a Krogan's charge.
I downed another drink and poured the next with shaking hands, only to down that immediately.
  I bit my lip to choke back another sob, tightening my grip on my glass.
  I remembered all the talks I had with him, the way he seemed relentlessly cheerful through most of the hard times, though we both knew a somber understanding laid under the cheerful exterior.
  I remembered the advice he would give me, and how he helped me understand Turians better when I first started dating Garrus.
  I remembered simply sitting quietly at the research console in his lab as he worked, murmuring quietly to himself. Just two people taking comfort in the company of each other.
  Something about the Salarian had been nothing but good and calming. Despite the sins he claimed as his own, he had been nothing but a kind soul.
  And now he was gone.
  The glass shattered in my relentless grip, cutting my palm open in several places, but the pain was a relief.
  I let the anger burn through me and I swiped my hand across the table, sending the little bit of whiskey and its bottle flying along with a couple other decorative items and two datapads.
  They shattered against the wall and floor, clattered to the floor, and broke, all with satisfying sounds of destruction.
  "Samantha?" Garrus called from upstairs, his steps resonating as he rushed into the hall and down the stairs.
  I ran my bloodied hands through my hair as I let myself slide off the couch to sit on the floor, my knees pulled to my chest.
  "Sam?" Garrus flipped on the light, making me turn away from his worried face.
  "Samantha," he repeated my name as he rushed to my side, taking in the mess around me.
  "Are you okay? Do I need to call C-Sec? An ambulance?"
  I started shaking my head immediately, trying to shrug him off. "No, don't call them. I'm fine, this wasn't anyone else."
  "What happened, Sam?" He ran a hand over my head, looking for the source of blood, checking my face over.
  "Nothing, I'm fine, Garrus!" I turned from him, tears choking me again, as I tried to hide them from him.
  "Sam... Did you do this, then?"
  I didn't answer, just clenched my injured hand tighter, concentrating on the pain radiating through it.
  "What's wrong? Let me help you, Sam. Let me help you, please. Trust me. Let me in..."
  His words struck through me, and when he gently grabbed my chin and guided me to face him, I didn't fight him.
  He sucked in a breath at the raw pain in my eyes, at the tear streaks carved through the blood on my face.
  He brushed a thumb across my cheek, wiping away the blood and tears.
  "Let me help you," he repeated in a whisper this time.
  This time, I didn't shrug him off when he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest, cradling me right there on the floor.
  "We've lost too many, Garrus," I whispered past the tears.
  "You can't control who lives or dies," he murmured. "I know it's not easy, but some people just can't be saved."
  "I lost Mordin," I whispered, another sob seizing my body. "I shouldn't have lost him! He shouldn't have had to go up there!"
  Garrus held me tighter, resting his chin on top of my head. "He wouldn't have let you stop him, you know that. He saw it as his problem to fix, his wrong to right. He wouldn't have been happy if it would have gone any other way. Besides, the Krogan were counting on him and you both, and he knew that. He found peace, Sam. I know he did."
  I shook my head. "How can we just lose so many people and still carry on like nothing happened?"
  Garrus paused for a moment, thinking about it. "You don't pretend it never happened. You learn to remember them and honor them by living a good, full life, and keep their memory alive."
  I clung to Garrus' bare chest and closed my eyes, remembering all the good times I had spent with Mordin. How he would sing at times and others just simply talk to himself, sometimes faster than I thought possible.
  Garrus reached down and took my bloodied hand carefully into his. "Come on, let's go get this cleaned up, okay?"
  I nodded, letting him lift me to my feet after he got to his own.
  He led me gently upstairs to the master bathroom, where he lifted me up so I was seated on the counter as he gathered supplies.
  He worked quietly as I gathered myself, trying to push the numb feeling after sadness out.
  He set down a tray next to me and looked up at me, his mandibles lifting a fraction. "There's my girl. You're coming back to me. I can see it already."
  A small smile touched the corners of my lips as he took my hand and rinsed it gently under the faucet.
  Slowly, he rubbed away the dried blood with the pad of his thumb and the warm water.
  Then he dried off my hand with a towel, all his moves gentle, focused and deliberate.
  "This reminds be of a few of the missions we've had before," I murmured.
  Garrus chuckled. "You've always been a little too reckless for your own good."
  I stuck my tongue out at him, cracking a smile for him.
  He looked up to see my smile and one of his own graced his face.
  He applied Medi-Gel on the shallow wounds, then turned his attention to the deep gash across my palm.
  He threaded a needle and got to work, leaving me to feel a slight tug on my skin as he worked.
  "I'm guessing you didn't have just a single drink considering you're not complaining about this like you usually do," Garrus murmured.
  I have him a sheepish smile. "Maybe just a couple more than one..."
  Garrus snorted and shook his head. "I would almost dare to say I know your version of 'a couple more than one' better than you do."
  I narrowed my eyes at him but said nothing, which drew a soft chuckle from him, but yet his hands were still steady.
  I couldn't help but stare as he worked. His hands never faltered, never shook, just simply worked fast and accurate.
  I couldn't help but think everything about him was steady. His aim, his hands, his loyalty, his love.
  Garrus glanced up, catching me staring at him and cut the thread without glancing at his work.
  "Something on your mind?"
  "We should get married. Now. Why wait?"
  Garrus chuckled and applied Medi-Gel to the stitched wound before he wrapped my hand.
  "Because one, you're a little bit wasted right now. Two, it's three thirty in the morning. Three, I think you should get some sleep right now. But we'll talk about it more when you're sober and feeling better, okay?"
  "Promise?" I searched his eyes, terrified for a moment that he might be rethinking getting married.
  He smiled and scooped me up into his arms to carry me bridal style to the bed, where he laid me down on my side of the bed gently. "I promise."
  I nodded as he tucked the blankets around me and pressed a kiss to my forehead.
  "Get some sleep."
  "Aren't you staying?"
  He glanced toward the door, and I realized there was a mess to clean downstairs. Probably what he was thinking of as well.
  I stretched my hand toward him, letting my eyes plead to him, and finally he gave in.
  He climbed into his side of the bed and scooted over until he could pull me close to him.
  I pressed close to him and buried my face in his chest, the comfort and safety lulling me toward sleep.
  "Thank you, Garrus," I murmured drowsily.
  "Always, Sam."
  "I love you"
  I felt his arms tighten around me. "I love you too, Samantha. Always."

((A/N: Hey guys! Sorry I missed the update last Sunday! I know this in is kind of late too, but work has been crazy! Hopefully it'll be back to normal soon, but I'll be starting school as well. I hope you guys liked this chapter! If you did, please let me know by leaving a vote and comment! Thanks guys! Keelah Se'lai!))