Drag Me Down

Chapter 10 |

Chapter 10 | Elizabelle Swan

   When someone's hurt, it is dealt differently; for example, I remember Charlie telling me how Bella became catatonic when she was hurt, Ryder once stopped talking to everyone and anyone for the longest of time's seeing as he was hurt, and me? I'm in between a little, I have been quieter, and trying to cope. Yet, I still am me.

  "Hey, Eliza!" I turned laughing at Elijah, as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I heard more doors open and soon everyone was sitting around. I had decided I would now be back to me, because I was tired of everyone feeling sorry for me, looking at me with sadness and pity and further emotions.

   "Okay!" I leaned back into Elijah as he held me to him and looked at everyone. "I have decided that I would let me go -- not completely because all of you know I refuse to do that. I keep hold of my memories. However, I figured that letting go just a bit would help. I know you are all worried for me -- hence the Cullen's and them." Everyone smiled and soon a party began, a party to wish that all our dead friends and relatives are doing great or well in where they may reside now.

"Are you okay, love?" I turned smiling at Carlisle as I nodded.

"I deal with pain for just about my whole life. If I can survive now, I can survive still after," I say hugging him and kissing his cheek. "Give me a favor, and if anyone asks please tell them I went out."

I turned and left, getting on my motorcycle and rushing out. Soon I arrived at a clearing and I started to climb until I arrived pretty high.  I tested by back against the back, stretching my legs out.

"Hey, Moonlight, do you mind if I sit near you?" I smiled looking down to see Ryder who looked like he needed it.

"Come on up, Ry," he smiled and climbed until he rested by me as I sat up.

"Thanks, Moonlight," he smiled and I smiled back.  "Can I talk to you?"

"Of course, Ryder," I turn my attention to him throwing my leg over the other so I could face him.

He smiled doing the same and taking my hand playing with my fingers and tracing lines on my palm.  "Elizabelle, how do you deal with everything? You survive all the pain you go through, like it's just one of your drawing that you missed up by coloring a wrong color. You are so strong in that, and then I can't even stay strong enough to date anyone else because I'm just so in love."

I thought about his question running my fingers over the tree's bark. "To be honest, my being able to handle all this pain is because I've dealt with pain since the moment I was born."

He frowned taking my face and staring into my eyes. "Out of Sebastian and I, who would you of picked?" It was the same hard question at before, and still I could not find any will to answer -- I wondered how we got to this from what we were talking about.

I looked away, looking down at the ground. "Dammit, Elizabelle! Why can't you just fucking answer and spare my feelings? I know it's going to be Sebastian anyways!" His grip grew strong and I knew I would have a hand print there for a while after this. "I'm just some stupid fuck-boy, aren't I? So was Sebastian, Elizabelle! So is Nic, Jimmy, Mason, Jackson, Blake -- so is all the other fuckíng boys! Why don't you just tell me you would never dare date me or kiss me other than on my cheek or something!" He turned and climbed down leaving and I felt so heartbroken. It hurt to see him in such pain, for him to see himself as so worthless. He was stronger than that, and I care not tell him the truth -- not now.

~ ♡ ~

"Call my name and save me from the dark, save me from the nothing I've become."

Living in pain, for practically my whole life is hard. When I wake up, I feel safe. Which is ironic, seeing as I don't feel safe all the same. I, at least, feel safer than when I'm asleep. Thus the reason that I always fend off sleep as long as possible.

It scares me that I may never feel safe --- no matter who I am with. I mean, I barely felt safe with Sebastian. It's why I cared for Dan so much, as selfish as it may be.  Dan could help me forget that I had all these things that happened to me, that I had no horrid past and all.

He made me feel better and safer than anyone may have ever let me feel. I ruined it all and I broke my promise. I never was able to tell him that I loved him. Maybe I'll get a chance when I die. . .

~ ♡ ~

Ryder got on his motorcycle and I held my wrist. "Ryder," I whisper as he revved the engine beginning to drive away. "You got it all wrong. I never told you, because you would be who I chose, who I did choose. Now, even with you hurting me, I still would say you. Even if it meant you being the one who died instead of Sebastian-- thus leading me to hopefully inevitably choose him. I just. . . God, God's, why is this so confusing?"

Rain began pouring down hard, letting me know it had been raining pretty harshly whilst I sat there, despite the huge possibility of getting sick. I just didn't want to go and see anyone -- I barely wanted to stick and see the rain. Something I loved.

~ ♥~

People are strong, sometimes people just don't realize it all the time. Then, sometimes it will get to the point where it's like they are deciding between two doors: Either give up or keep fighting.

As is my situation. Should I give up, even when I am fighting past death and such more -- should I finally give up?

Or keep going, as is what I have done for the longest of times. As I continue to do.

Yet, I can't keep fighting without my anchor, or more-so, my anchors. Which I slowly seem to be loosing. The pain is starting to n almost unbearable, because I'm loosing them and there is nothing I can do to stop that -- it has always seemed to happen. Always will.

~ • ~

I finally decided to head home, as the sun began to rise and got dressed, being sure to metaphorically put on my mask. Something I seem to do a lot lately, though I can't be sure anyone has noticed. "God, I miss him. I miss all of them," I whisper to myself, looking at myself with self hatred. "I loose everyone -- don't I? Don't I!" I wiped a stray tear, staying for a minute or two to keep proof of any crying or sadness away. What I did best, I thought, was keep my mask on; just as I have always done it seems.

Sorry for any mistakes still in here, and the other chapters. I am editing it, but htere may still be some mistakes I don't notice, or things I will change. I plan to edit the whole story later on -- be it this month or later on.