A Thin Line Between Love & Hate (Love Conquers All series) ORIGINAL VERSION

Chapter 32: "Drastic Measures"

Across the street, Uriah and Elijah, and another older guy from their group unloaded signs from the trunk of a car and passed them out to the others. Brandon and James perched on the concrete wall in front of the school and watched them as students began to gather along the sidewalk.

James hadn't said much after returning from the restroom and Brandon had noticed the faint flush in his face. And he was fairly certain that when James had gone into the bathroom, he'd had all the buttons on his shirt. When he returned, one or two were missing, and faint reddish blemishes marred the lower part of his neck, nearly concealed by the collar of his shirt. Marsha and Lisa had been right there, so Brandon hadn't asked what had happened in there.

The girls weren't with them now and Brandon waited for James to bring it up. He didn't. Rather, James kept shooting him quick, uneasy glances that didn't hold when Brandon looked at him. Groaning, Brandon murmured, "Stop it."

"What?" James frowned.

"Stop acting like I'm your judge, jury, and executioner," he said. "Whatever you do is between you and God, I'm not going to start pointing my finger and condemning you."

James hung his head and nodded. "I know," he whispered. "I didn't really think you would. It's..." he sighed and raised his head, and looked across the street, his eyes following Uriah. "It's me who's...condemning myself."

"So...stuff happened?" Brandon asked slowly.

James rubbed his face and leaned forward, his elbows digging into his knees, heels braced against the side of the wall. "Some stuff happened," he mumbled.

"You guys didn't...?" He left it at that and waited to see how James would answer. Truthfully, he hoped they hadn't gone that far. James was admittedly a virgin and Brandon didn't want his best friend's first time to be a "quickie" in the bathroom with a guy who hated homosexuals.

James alleviated his fears when he shook his head. "No. We didn't do...that. But..." He ducked his head again and stared at the ground. "But I think we might have if we'd been somewhere else more private." He closed his eyes and exhaled hard. "I feel so guilty," he whispered. "I mean, God has been good to my family, blessed us in so many ways. He's watched over Jordan while he's been overseas. He's done so much for us, and the first time temptation strikes...I don't even try to resist. And then, I can't even ask for forgiveness because I know if I could do it all over, I'd do it the same. That's not being sorry. How can God forgive you if you're not actually sorry?" He looked at Brandon, his eyes filled with confusion. "Tell me what to do. I clearly can't make competent decisions anymore. Just tell me what to do."

"What..." Brandon laughed low. "How am I supposed to know? I can't make your decisions for you."

"I'm asking you to," James pleaded, only half-joking. "You have my permission. What's the right thing to do? Turn Uriah away when he...wants something from me? I mean, what if I'm doing him more harm than good? If he doesn't want to be gay, maybe it isn't good for him to...indulge." James looked across the street again, his face pinched with emotional and spiritual agony. "Just like yesterday in the shower," he murmured. "He was, like, instantly filled with anger and shame. Shame most of all. I don't think he wants to be doing it, I think he just can't help himself."

Brandon sighed. "You really want me to tell you what to do?"

"Yes."

He nodded and looked at James seriously. "Be careful. Sometimes, when a person is helpless to a desire that they feel deeply ashamed of or even afraid of, it can cause violent reactions. Usually right after they've indulged in it." He shook his head. "I don't want you to get hurt. I mean, I don't think Uriah means you any harm, but it isn't about that, really. It can be an uncontrollable reaction, and often directed at whatever or whoever they see as their source of weakness. As scary as he can be, I honestly don't think he would intentionally hurt you under normal circumstances. But that moment, right after their desire is satisfied, I think it's like a blind window where rage takes over, fueled by extreme shame, and they just lose it." He squeezed James' shoulder. "So, please, just be careful, okay?"