A Thin Line Between Love & Hate (Love Conquers All series) ORIGINAL VERSION

Chapter 54: "Losing Battle"

"My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm  following you
'Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find."

- I Can't Fight This Feeling, Reo Speedwagon

I'm here for you, anytime and for any reason.

Uriah sat in the driver seat of the Mustang, parked outside the small supermarket, cell phone in hand...and James' message once again displayed on the screen. He didn't need to open it to remember what it said, and didn't fully understand the need to see the words.

Or maybe he did understand.

Because they're James' words...typed out and sent by his own hand.

He read the message again. And again.

No judgment. No expectations.

The meaning was clear; James was allowing him to explore this frightening part of himself without making demands or putting pressure on him to make commitments he wasn't capable of making...and without judging him for taking more than he gave in return.

James understood him. Uriah stared at his phone. It was a strange feeling to be understood and he didn't know how to wrap his mind around it. Those at home who were aware of his "affliction of the flesh" didn't see it as something to be understood—but rather a perverse sin to be banished. Eradicated. Purged.

They're right. This is a disease of the devil. An unnatural abomination.

Uriah stared at the open message. If this was a sickness within himself...then it was a sickness within James and...Josh.

Josh. The epitome of innocence and vulnerability. If he believed his little brother was infected with a soul-killing disease...then why hadn't he delivered him over to their father to be cured—as he repeatedly delivered himself? If he was convinced the punishments he endured were necessary for redemption—then why not seek the same redemption for Josh? Why not allow their father to save his little brother?

Nothing you've done justifies what father is doing to you.

He'd told Elijah that if he knew his sin, he would agree that what their father was doing was necessary. But would he? Uriah didn't know anymore. He saw how protective Elijah was of Josh; would that change if he knew the truth about their little brother? Their upbringing insisted yes...but try as he might, Uriah couldn't imagine Elijah turning on Josh.

Uriah thought about his advice to Josh when he'd left him at school; Whatever father said to you last night—listen. He didn't want Josh to incur their father's wrath. If he was good, did as he was told, then he would be safe from punishment. Uriah understood this. He had resisted the sinful desires inside himself long enough to start believing they were actually gone. His father had believed it as well and their private "walks" had stopped, the punishments had ceased. Until they came here. Until he had met James. He didn't know why it was different this time, or what it was about James that destroyed his will to fight this...affliction. All he knew was that he couldn't stop.

But Josh...Josh still had a chance. If he stopped associating with Nichols now, their father would leave him be. He wouldn't start taking him for walks, too. Uriah's gut twisted in pain at the thought of Josh being forced to endure the same punishments as Uriah.

He couldn't. If it didn't kill him...he would kill himself.

Uriah had had his moments of utter despair in the past, when he was younger. Had taken one of his father's guns into the woods and tried to kill himself—but he'd forgotten to check if the gun was loaded. If it had been...he wouldn't be here today. He didn't know why he didn't try again later. Maybe it was that snap of the trigger, that shocking realization how close he'd really come to dying. As tormented and afraid as he'd been at that time, it had still freaked him out and scared the shit out of him.