A Thin Line Between Love & Hate (Love Conquers All series) ORIGINAL VERSION

Chapter 51: "How They Make You Feel"

"Cause nobody feels you like I do
Nobody kills me like you do
Nothing I take can ever cut through
I'm in trouble
I look at myself and I don't know
How I'm stuck to you like Velcro
Can't rip you off and go solo
I'm in trouble."

- Underground, Adam Lambert

When you wake up in the morning, for your sake, you better hope you're as straight as a fucking arrow.

Josh opened his eyes. His father's words felt like something from a bad dream that refused to fade even after he was awake. His heart, mind, and body were numb and he hoped it would stay that way. Especially his heart. He didn't want to feel anything.

The bed space next to him was empty. Elijah was gone. Josh wished he'd come back, hold him some more. I got you, little brother. No matter what...I got you. Josh had felt safe in his arms, but it was just an illusion of safety. If Elijah found out he was fag...how would he feel about him then? How could he have any choice but to hate him? If he lost his brothers, there would be no one left who cared about him.

You're not a faggot anymore. They don't ever have to know that you used to be one. You're not going to lose them.

Josh turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Voices drifted to him from other parts of the house, the older men's voices rising above all the others. He slid his hands through his hair and began to shake as the terror of last night's ordeal came back without warning.

Next time, I won't be bluffing about what's down there in the dark with you.

His throat knotted tight and tears burned his eyes, drained down his temples. Nausea twisted up his gut and he rolled onto his side, hugging his stomach, fighting the sudden urge to vomit. He squeezed his eyes shut as a cold sweat broke out all over his body and his head went light. If he went back down into that hell...he would be brutally raped, maybe killed.

You'll be okay. You will. Just don't do anything to make father put you down there again. Just be good. Be a good boy. A "straight" boy.

The bedroom door opened and Josh blinked, trying to clear the tears from his vision. Elijah stood in the doorway looking at him, deep concern on his face. He entered the room and closed the door, then walked over to the bed and sat down. "How you feeling this morning?" He touched the back of his hand to Josh's brow and cheeks. "You look pale. Are you sick?"

"A little." He rubbed the wetness from his eyes and sat up. "But I'll be okay."

Elijah stared at him, then his eyes drifted down to Josh's neck and lingered. Quiet panic struck Josh; he'd forgotten about the hickey. His pulse turned erratic when Elijah reached out and lightly poked it with one fingertip. "This isn't from Grace, is it?"

Josh turned away and instinctively covered the mark with his hand and hung his head, waiting in fear for Elijah to start making remarks about Brandon.

"Hey," Elijah murmured. "It's none of my business. I know you didn't ask to be Grace's boyfriend. And if you don't like her that way, you shouldn't be forced to date her. Everyone should be allowed to choose who they want to be with."

Josh stared blankly at the bed, struggling to remain numb at heart.

"Josh." Elijah cupped the back of his head. "I just want you to be happy. And..." he faltered and breathed out unsteadily. "And if you find someone who makes you happy, and treats you good...then I'll be happy for you. Finding someone to love...that's a very personal thing. No one has the right to tell you what to feel or...or who to feel it for."