A Smile for a smile

Its Only just the beginning

Its not the end of the world you will meet with him again " my dad tried to assure me as we drove to his dads house early that morning . One Half of my brain  said " physically ..but  hopefully mentally " the other tried to get me to shut up . My eyes barley stayed open But I sat up straight and thought about how to hold it together I didn't want a repeat of the day before . I just needed to keep my mind busy , because the second it gets board it tries to make me go insane . My thoughts were interrupted as we got closer to his house ..All those roads so many memories . I felt the tears and quickly jerked myself up straight . We pulled into his driveway as we did many times before ...only this time I knew he wasn't going to be waiting there to greet me .Again I caught myself as I took in a long deep breath . I kissed my dad telling him I loved him ..I didn't want to leave the car He could see it on my face ..and again tried to reassure me .I walked up to the door as I softly knocked on  it . No answer . I gave a quick glance to my dad making sure he was still here . My body wanted to run but my feet stayed there planted . Again I knocked this time a bit louder . No answer . My head turned back to my dad once again I half way hoped he would knock for me ..knowing I was to shy to really knock . Once more I knocked .Still no answer .This time I walked back to my dads truck fighting myself to not climb back inside . When I approached his window it had already been rolled down . I told him They hadn't answered and asked if I should txt his dad , Right after I had sent the txt his father had called me . He had been walking the dogs and would be back in a second , he granted me permission to go inside . I said goodbye to my dad as My hand turned the knob hesitantly . I had hoped to be greeted by his dogs .Animals are usually my sanctuary . The dogs as he had said were with him so I sat on the couch trying not to look at any pictures . His dad came in shortly after a few minutes as he had said . Sitting down I knew he wanted to talk to me about the events ahead , He asked if I was ready ..I lied as I shook my head yes.To my surprise he told me he wasn't ready at all . He seemed to have been handling it fine the day before but it gave me some comfort knowing that Even thou I was the only one who cried yesterday physically , mentally I wasn't alone .

Days after his swearing in , I tried to keep positive , but Newtons law states something in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force , and it seemed as if they were coming at me from all sides . Everyone tells you to "be strong for him "  but how can I do that when I cant even  do the same for myself ? They tell me to " keep my mind busy " so that I dont think about it .But every dam second it seems people are either asking me questions about him or telling me useless shit they know from google about the military . No one means any harm but Its so hard to sit there and take it , to smile and nod as they look at you with eyes that have not seen what your going through , which reminds you , how important it is to keep up your smile . You can't be angry , your not allowed to be because you love him so you love what he does . Your not allowed to be upset because he is going through so much worse . Your not allowed to vent because you know you would never stop because each day is a knew question a knew thought a knew worry in your head . Smile ..practice it in the mirror and hope to god the rest of your face can follow up to it . Hope your eyes dont appear watery , listen to the cracks in your voice that you wish could be screams , and try to sound happier . " Strong " is not a tattoo it is makeup .It can only be worn for so long and any little drop of water could put the world at risk of seeing who you truly are .Its okay thou because at night when you are alone with only your teary eyes to look into and only the pounding of your heart as you take short heavy breaths to fall asleep to , only then can you finally can take it off .