I opened my eyes and looked up only to see Chris standing in front of me.
"I could ask you the same."
He shrugged. "Couldn't sleep I guess."
I nodded.
"Can I sit next to you?"
"Go ahead, it's not like it's my cemetery or anything."
He nodded and sat down next to me. I didn't say anything. There was just no point in saying anything. I played with my lighter absentmindedly.
"Ricky?" He asked.
"Hm?"
"I was an asshole to you in the last few days."
I remained silent.
"I'm sorry for that." He sighed.
I nodded. I didn't say anything, didn't feel like it. The next thing I knew was the feeling of Chris's lips on mine. I immediately melted into the magic kiss. I closed my eyes and enjoyed every second of our kiss.
As he slowly pulled away, a deep blush had rosen to my cheeks. He was blushing as well and got up fast.
"S-sorry..." He mumbled and ran off.
I didn't know what to feel. I had loved the kiss. It had felt better than any kiss I had ever had before, but I had a boyfriend! And that boyfriend was definitely not Chris. Sadly. Shut up Ricky. I sniffled. No, don't cry. But I couldn't help myself. I started crying like a little baby and curled up like one.
I was an emotional mess. I didn't want to move, I didn't even want to go home even though it started raining. I just sat there and cried my eyes out. Why had life to be so complicated? Why couldn't it just be easy?
I sobbed and buried my face in my knees. I wanted to die, I wanted to die so badly right now.
A few hours later I finally walked home. I kept my head down and didn't look where I was going. I could've gotten hit by a car, but I didn't care. I was sad. Really sad. I wasn't able to figure out my feelings at all. I felt guilty, that's the only thing I knew. Guilty for kissing someone who was not my boyfriend.
Should I tell him? Or should I keep it a secret?
I sighed and went to my room and fell onto my bed. I needed a cigarette. I took out my pack of cigarette only to see it was empty. I groaned and took out my lighter and played with it. I accidentally burned my hand and hissed in pain.
"Fuck...."
I then realized something. The pain was more intense than the pain I felt inside right now. I pulled up my sleeve and burned my arm. I hissed again. I did it for a couple times and some tears ran down my cheeks. It hurt so badly, but it felt good at the same time.
A few hours later I finally fell asleep. I was beyond exhausted.
I had to get up only two hours later and got ready for school. I slowly walked there while listening to music.
I don't care if the world will end today cause I wasn't invited to it anyway.
I sighed when I saw Chris, feeling very guilty again. He looked over and stared at me for a moment, then put his arm around his girlfriend's shoulders and kissed her deeply.
It felt like a stab in the heart. I looked away and tried to hold back my tears. I felt like a toy. Some fucking toy everyone liked to experiment with. That was my only purpose. Maybe I didn't deserve to be loved, maybe my whole existence was just an experiment. Maybe I was just a mistake.
