I didn't go back to school for a while. I just wasn't feeling it and my mom let me stay at home. Since I could spend a lot of time at home and with Chris, I started feeling better. Everything was more beautiful and everything was brighter. I generally felt happier.
I couldn't figure out what Chris and I really were though. We cuddled almost every night, but didn't kiss anymore. To be honest, I was a bit confused. I didn't want to bring it up though. Chris was my best friend and I was scared of losing him. He'd probably think I'm a freak. The two times we kissed were probably only out of pity.
I sighed softly as I lit a cigarette. I've been smoking a lot less since Chris was always around, but I was still addicted. I looked up at the dark sky. I loved rain, but the dark clouds always made me depressed.
Just as I put out my cigarette, the doorbell rang.
I went downstairs and opened. Chris was standing there with a big smile on his face.
„Hey Ricks."
I smiled back. „Hey."
I let him come in and closed the door.
„How was school?"
He shrugged. „Alright I guess."
I nodded and bit my lip. „I've been thinking about you a lot."
He looked down at me. „Yeah? How so?"
I took a deep breath. „I think I'm in love with you."
„Oh." he blushed.
I looked up at him and tried to read his expression. It was a mix out of confusion, surprise and embarrassment.
„I-um...I h-have to go home..." He walked to the door backwards and bumped into the wall. „S-sorry.."
I sighed. „It's fine. Didn't expect anything anyway..." I looked down as he left in a hurry.
It was just so obvious. Maybe he did really like me as a friend, but not more. I leaned against the wall next to the door and slid down to the floor. I hugged my knees to my chest and sniffled. Why was I even disappointed? Someone like him just couldn't be in love with me. Even though I felt relieved, because I had told him about my feelings, but I wished I didn't. I probably lost the best and only friend I had ever had. I sniffled as tears began rolling down my cheeks.
After a while my mom came home and found me crying on the floor. She immediately kneeled in front of me and rubbed my head lovingly.
„What's wrong honey?" she asked.
„C-Chris.." I choked out in between sobs.
„Did he hurt you?"
I shook my head.
„Did he insult you?"
I shook my head again.
„What's wrong then? Did he try to force you into something you're not ready for?"
„N-no. I t-told him about m-my f-f-feelings for h-him..."
„And? What did he do?"
„H-he left." I cried harder. „He d-doesn't l-love me back Momma."
„Oh, sweetie..." She hugged me. I snuggled into her and cried into her shoulder. My mom was always there for me and I was grateful for that.
She eventually took me upstairs and tucked me into bed. She sat down on my bed and rubbed my cheek. I had calmed down a bit by now and wasn't crying anymore.
„Can I tell you something sweetie?" Mom asked.
I nodded.
„Chris was here a lot in the last few weeks and I had the opportunity to watch you two a bit and saw how you two act around each other. I saw that you love him and I saw that he loves you. He loves you back Ricky. But he's afraid of showing it. Maybe he's not ready to come out of the closet yet or he's not ready for a serious relationship. But you are very important to him."
I smiled a bit.
„Thanks Momma."
She nodded and kissed my forehead and then left.
I sighed softly and looked up at the ceiling. I didn't know if I should believe her or not. I mean, she could be right. She had a lot more experience than I did and of course she did have time to „study" us and our behaviour. But it was hard to believe her. I just didn't think I would be enough for Chris. But then again, why would he have come to visit me in the hospital? Why would he spend so much time with me?
I was just confused. (I know, I'm confused a lot.) But I guess I think too much.
I decided to try and clear my mind the best I could and slowly drifted off to a peaceful sleep.
