The next day was Saturday and I slept in. I immediately checked my phone right after I woke up, only to see that Chris still hadn't replied me. I sighed and closed my eyes. He was probably just too busy right now or maybe he was asleep because he wasn't well. I nodded. Yeah, that must have been the reason.
I got out of bed and yawned. I looked over to my window and saw that Chris had the curtains on his window closed. I shrugged and went downstairs to eat breakfast. I wasn't really hungry, which concerned my mother.
"Richard, why don't you eat more? You're way too thin."
I rolled my eyes.
"Don't body shame me mother."
She shook her head and smiled a bit.
"You know I don't mean it that way. But it looks like you're slowly but surely stopping to eat again. You know, like two years ago when we had to-" I cut her off.
"Mom! I'm fine, I'm just not hungry okay?" I got up and went to my room and locked the door. I then fell onto my bed and closed my eyes.
Yes, I had been anorexic before. Yes, my mom had a right to worry about me. Yes, I should eat. But I just couldn't. I didn't know what it was, but something just didn't let me eat. Maybe I wanted to stay thin, now that I had my boyfriend back.
I opened my eyes and looked around, looking for my headphones. Of course I didn't find them. I groaned and got up to put on one of my cds. I went for "Once" by Nightwish.
I then sat down at my desk and decided to write or draw something, just to get my feelings onto paper.
The problem was that I didn't know how I felt. It was one of those days where you just feel empty. When you kind of feel angry for no reason, but that anger turns into sadness and you just wanna cry. And all for no reason. It was just one of those days.
I kept my head down and stared at the blank page of my journal in front of me. Even though I was pretty self conscious about pretty much everything I did, I did have to admit that I had some talents: I was good at drawing, singing and playing guitar. But one of my biggest talents was looking at my art or listening to my music for so long until I hated it. Welcome to my life.
I sighed and pushed my negative thoughts aside and concentrated on the music.
Mankind works in mysterious ways.
Oh yes, it does.
I spent the weekend with being unproductive. Of course on Sunday night I remembered we had homework to do and of course I didn't do it. I mean, I was already in bed.
On Monday I felt even emptier than the weekend before. Chris still hadn't replied or called me, even after I tried to call him twice. I was genuinly scared that something bad had happened to him. When I arrived at school I finally saw him again after what had seemed like a fucking eternity. He looked over at me and I smiled, but then he grabbed a girl standing next to him and started making out with her. My smile faded and I felt like something had just hit my chest. I frowned and pulled my hood up. I was confused. I was so fucking confused. Chris had a girlfriend? Why wasn't I happy for him? I felt....jealous. But why? I had a boyfriend and Chris was obviously straight, making it impossible for me to even have the slightest chance with him.
I walked inside and sat down in the back of the classroom. I was still trying to organize my fucking thoughts and feelings. Maybe he had spent the weekend with her and didn't have time to call me back. And maybe she was really nice too. I mean, she looked pretty, but Chris wasn't the kind of guy who just goes for the looks. Or was he?
