living

Thoughts now

  I always sit in this place, this chair, a chair that when i'm having bad vibes i sit on to clear my head most of the time. Sometimes the chair doesn't work so i rely on music and some days that doesn't work so i write i started writing in a journal but i lost it i can't believe it lowkey scared because that journal has so much of my shit in it i can't let anyone read it. But i now write here about thoughts and feelings and now i feel calm? numb? little sad i don't know really how i feel it's weird but i sit here still trying to figure myself out.
My friend is at school so i have nothing to really do. I'm going to a friend's house tomorrow an old friend i need a break from reality for a while an escape from things now so i'll go to their house and have a great time before i go back to reality. With this friend everything is a dream. I'm in need of that at the moment.
I have been listening to Daniel Caesar these past days he is actually really good. My friend told me about him, He said "it's a new wave i should hop on it" is glad i did he is so good. Now i get most of my music from him, he has the same music taste as me in a way, i trust him when he says a song is good i should listen to it.
My boyfriend i love him so much and i'm petrified of losing him, i love him so much i can't think of losing him. I ask myself who was i before i met him and i can't seem to answer that no matter how hard i try to remember i don't that part of me has faded. He has given me so much joy in the past laughter, Smiles , feelings so on and i don't want to lose him he makes me feel safe. I know i get so pissed at him some days but he is amazing. Even the days i just want to just leave everything and go on somewhere else i think about him i don't want to lose him losing him will be my biggest regret ill hate myself so much if i lose him. He is a one of a kind gem. He is my Gem.