living

Shit

Well yeah now i feel completely fucking alone. The one person i can rely on helping me is in a different state ,the one friend who i thought was understanding she is blabbing to her new friends, The one person who i love so much i don't know anymore to be honest i actually am alone on this one. And i don't know what to do. I haven't felt like this kind of shit in a while. Things have actually gone to shit today. i don't have any pain killers left. All i can do is try to calm down and listen to music.
Have you ever just had this feeling it feels like you're actually choking on air and when u talk you're trying not to cry and all u want is to go to ur bed because that's where u feel safe to let it all out. Me currently. I feel absolute shit. I am emotional sometimes i can't help it i feel too much. it's a blessing and a curse. Why do i have to feel too much to be honest. I need someone right now but i feel like i bother them too much. I love someone but i'm hurt by them. I feel hurt and all i want to do is talk to them because they make all the pain go away but he is the cause of the pain right now. I don't want to lose him but i don't want to be stupid. I take this kind of shit seriously i have seen what it does to people. I don't want to go through what my dad went through it drove him insane. It's now driving me to the edge. I love him i love him so much but what the fuck am i supposed to believe. He says it's nothing he feels nothing how can you not develop feelings for someone when you talk to them like that. How can i not be worried. I don't know what to say i'm listening to this sad song bringing me more to the edge than i want to.
He is probably talking to her right now. all these thoughts are now drowning me. Anxiety has taken the spotlight once again. I love him i don't want to lose him but this this feeling the hurt i can't control it it's just taking most of what i think. He doesn't want me anymore he wants someone different someone new. someone with the same interests as him and i sadly can't provide him that. I feel as if i drove him away. I drove him away. He doesn't want me anymore. And it hurts. i want to talk to him. i want to hear his voice. All i want is him.