Story Of A Searching Girl: junior year

August 4, 2017

Life has been crazy hectic since my brother died. I don't know if it is all in my head or the feelings I feel are real. I don't even know if it has anything to do with his death. All I know is that I have been going through a lot of stress and emotions.

Every day, so many friends and family come to visit. Every day, people text me am I okay and how am I feeling. Honestly, I haven't really felt anything towards the death. I AM NOT HAPPY, SAD, OR ANGRY THAT HE IS GONE. I haven't even cried. If anything, I am mad at everyone else who wants to text or try to hang out when they find out my brother died. They went all summer without even a text or phone call. It made me realized they weren't really friends. The only people I could be complete open with was Charissa and Ryan (aka the friends that have been there for me this whole summer.)

Ryan came over my house this past Saturday for a concert I invited him to. It was supposed to be me, Ryan, and my father. My father bailed on us last minute to spend the day with Daniel's dad. That pissed me off a lot. It meant a lot to me to go with my father. Either way, me and Ryan made a day of it. We spent the whole day at my house. Throughout the day family came and went. The max of three people was there at a time (excluding Ryan and I.) My mom really likes Ryan. No secret about that. Everyone knows. She never believed me when I told her that we weren't dating, so she asked him.

"Do you like my daughter? Are you guys dating?" my mother sked.

"I really like your daughter. I am in love with her. It I just hard because of college and all." he said.

The only reason I couldn't do or say anything is because I was on the phone. I wish Ryan didn't say what he said. Why would he say something like that?

After a while of my mom and Ryan talking, she left to get dress so she can leave. We were left with my cousin and all of us sat in the living room. Then Ryan and I got bored so we went to my room. I showed him my closet, because I just cleaned it. So, we walked into the closet. The first thing he did was grab my ass, turned me towards him, and kissed me. I kissed him back. Then we fell down to the floor and he was on top of me. Then I stopped kissing him.

"Wait. this is weird." I said. Then he looked at me with confusion as I continued, "A long time ago, we agreed we can do this as long as neither of us develops feelings." then he started to get off of me so we can both sit up. Then I continued as I poked his peck, "And you have feelings. I stopped having feelings for you last year. The only reason I said I liked you a few weeks ago was so you wouldn't want to have sex." Okay. Okay. Part of that was a lie, but he didn't know nor did I ever want him to know about my feelings I used to have.

"I know, but we still hung out even when you had feelings, so what is different now?" he said as he tried to kiss me, but I stopped him so I can talk. "You told me you had feelings for me. Why? Ryan, you told my mom you were in love with me. This is all weird. Why did you do this?" I said. "I am about to leave off to college. That is what they do in the movies." he said. "I am not a movie. I am different. You know I am different from most girls, Ryan. Besides, I am on my period." I stated. "Okay" he said.

To lighten the moment I made a joke, " So Ryan, do you want to come out the closet now." His reply was no. I came out anyways and he followed. He sat on my bed where I always sit, so I stood. I felt weird if I sat on any other part of my bed.

"Could we just do it one more time before I go off to college?" he whined.

I walked slowly to him and put my hands on his thighs. You could easily see how hard his dick was through his pants, "I don't want have sex with you right now." I said as I stroked his dick with my hand. He jumped and looked at me with surprise. I turned around to go and lock the door and he said, "you are on your period though", so I stopped.