Story Of A Searching Girl: junior year

November 20, 2017

Wow. I can't believe the places my mind has gone in the past two months.

Pain. Sadness. Anger. Regret. Four things that flooded my mind the most.

If I were to explain what happened weeks sooner, I would have been picking a world that had not even scabbed yet. Just because I am explaining what happened now, doesn't mean I am over anything.

I still feel pain. I still feel sadness. I still feel anger. I still feel regret. However, it hasn't been as bad as it was weeks ago. I am still hesitant on going into detail about a few things just because I am scared that those four things will flood my head again.

Have you ever done all that you can to keep someone happy?

You try and try and try.

You change and change and change,

But it is never enough.

Well I have. Can you guess who?

Ryan. If it isn't obvious enough.

Ryan and I got into an argument. I know, I know. We argue all the time. What is the big deal? The "BIG deal" is that it has been 5 weeks, 5 days, and 5 hours since we have spoken and I highly doubt we will speak at all anytime soon. We got into one of those huge fights people have. You know: the ones where two people seem to argue about every single thing in the world, but no one knows exactly what started the argument.

I honestly did not even know we were arguing until it was nearly over.

It all started months ago, at the end of the last argument we had. I did what I said I would do. I text him more often, I asked him how his days were, and I never complained about anything going on in my life. I didn't text him every day, because I knew he was busy a lot and I also didn't want to annoy him. Anytime he would ask me "How are you," I would always say okay. Even if I had a rough day at school or at home or even both. I tried not to talk heavily about myself and made sure he got much attention.

I believed everything was fine between us.

The first week of October, Homecoming week at my school, I started to feel really unhappy and sad. I don't know specifically why, but maybe a little bit of everything had a contribution.

Except for Ryan and Charissa. They were literally the only two people keeping me to hang on, so I knew I needed to hang out with me to keep me distracted.

It was easy and quick to make plans to hang out with Charissa because she didn't have any plans, so we hung out that Friday. We had a lot of fun. We hung out at my house for a while. Then we went to my school's Homecoming game that evening. The game was boring but we kept ourselves entertained. A lot of the guys on the wrestling team came up to us and asked if we were lesbian. I guess they assumed, because we joke around a lot in a sexual manner and I call her weird things (i.e.: honey bun, sugar pudding, my love, etc.). She is used to it, but I guess the wrestlers are not since they don't know me super well yet. Charissa is used to it since I do it all the time. Most of the people I knew Sophomore and Freshman year knew I did it. I get it from my mom. She always talks like that, since she is from the South.

Me and Charissa laughed about this for the rest of the night. We hardly stopped laughing about it. I needed a good laugh like that.

When I got a chance, I asked Ryan if I could come to him so we could hang out

Ryan: I am busy a lot, but when were you thinking?

Me: Any time that is good for you

Ryan: Any Wednesday would work. Class ends at 3:15, but I don't know how late, your parents are willing to come.