Story Of A Searching Girl: junior year

September 23, 2017

Life has been a hand full ever since school started. Crazy to say, homework has been the least of my worries.

Ryan has been most of my problems, yet he makes me feel better about everything else going on. I feel like we reached a point in our friendship were I can tell him anything, so one night when I knew I was feeling bad, I text Ryan. I was feeling bad  because many people believe I loved my brother, because I hardly address the topic nor do I show any signs of grieving, but it only because I hold everything in. I don't like it when people see me like this. I told Ryan why I was feeling bad and even told him about the antidepressants. He didn't reply until a few hours later, but that was expected; it was two in the morning. He told me to stop using them and find new ways to cope. So I stopped.

It resulted in coming over that weekend to comfort me. He even bought me a choker. He said he found it in his house, but he likes  in a house with three other guys (his grandfather, his father, and Robby.) None of them even like or wear chokers. Chokers were always a thing Ryan and Robby would joke and tease me for wearing.

We also had pretty amazing sex...twice when he came over. I asked him for sex two days prior of him coming to my house. He said no and got mad at me for asking because he was talking to Savannah. I guess I never knew the meaning of the word because couldn't see why not and I knew they would not work out. I even told him that many times but he never believed me. Turned out the following day she told him that she didn't to be in any relationship with him. 

Having him come over that day really made me feel better. He said he could tell I was sad because it looked like I was going to cry or something, but I was genuinely happy because I was with my best friend.

To try to get my mind off things, I went to the annual town fair we have. I went almost every day. It was a pretty cool way to get my mind off all the bad in life. I even met this really cute and nice guy. He even asked for my number. He is 19 and his name is Ken, but I don't think anything will happen. We doesn't text me a lot. The only bad thing that happened at the fair was I was being touched  by this guy I knew was way too old to even look at me. He was clearly at least 10 years older than me he was clearly drunk. I smelled the alcohol. This incident didn't completely ruin my night because he ended up breaking his ankle and I went to a Cole Swindell concert.

The last week of August, Ryan moved into his dorm room and I gave him a house-warming gift: a blanket. He already had the blanket I gave him, but I didn't know that. He got it from his ex, Sam.

I started to talk this one girl in my Sociology class. Her name is Celina. I wouldn't call her a friend, but she is definitely an acquaintance. Coincidently, she is dating a guy named Noah. Noah is Ryan's ex best friend. I forgot what happened but it was this fight they had about sometime in April. One day, Celina asked me in the middle of class, "Did you sleep with Ryan?" Trying to hold in my anger I said no. She then went on complaining about Ryan and how I could better than him. She said she didn't portray me as being one of those girls but Noah told her that Ryan told him about a year ago. 

Then of course I confronted Ryan about it. Then he denied telling anyone, but when I said the name "Noah," Ryan said he told me that he told Noah. However, I was 100% sure that was a lie. I would have remembered if he told me. I even asked him if he told Noah a few months ago but he said no. I wanted to give him space. I told myself not to text him for 10 days. I wanted to make sure I was not suffocating him.

I get so tired of arguing with Ryan but it just seems like he always wants to pick a fight. He thinks I am the one that always wants to argue. Last night made 10 days since we last talked.

I text Ryan last night. I was feeling sad and he makes me feel better. He ended up doing the complete opposite yesterday. His reply was, "I am sorry. I just can't be that anymore. I want to be here for you but you always try to argue against me like I don't know what I am talking about. I am always busy now. Like all the time. But like I said you say you don't argue against me but you do and you never have any idea what the hell I am talking about."

I was completely confused. I had no idea where he was coming from. All I said was that I wanted to talk to him and I was not feeling okay.

Surprisingly, it slowly turned into an argument. 

He would just say he didn't have the patience to argue with me and that I keept pushing him away. The part that made me the most angry was when he accused me of sexually harassing him and his brother...he even said, "many many times." For a guy that didn't want to argue, he went too far. So I just was straight up with him and asked him, "Are you the one that wants to stop being friends." I was wrong to ever believe that my relationship with Ryan is okay. In fact, I guess it is never okay.

Ryan said, "I don't know at this point."

To stop the arguing I only replied with, "Okay, let me know when you do."

But the argument just went on and on. He kept saying this argument was childish and annoying and he would just ask if we could just stop. He said he didn't need this arguing which I could understand because he has his college life and a lot of new responsibilities to take on. So I said fine.

But guess what. He replied again.

Ryan: I didn't do anything. You are doing this to yourself. I told you I would be there for you but you being opinionated or not doesn't mean you have to bring up an argument every time you talk to someone. You never take my advice either. You do the total opposite. Now, what kind of friend is that? You don't even ask, me how my classes are going or anything. You literally just argue with me or ask for help. You don't ever just talk to me anymore.

There was truth in what he said. It was probably my fault as well. The only reason I don't text him as much is because of him. He told me he didn't want me to bug him all the time. I am scared I would annoy him if I text him for stupid meaningless reasons all the time. I told him this was the reason I didn't text him but the replied with more reasons.

Ryan: You can change but, honestly, I have been seeing you lately but you are just changing into another person that I never wanted to know. Your doing drugs and your grades are shit now. That is not the girl I used to know.

Again, there was some truth in what he said. Maybe I have changed, but maybe it is because I let him see a side of me I don't just let anyone see. Drugs, yes I did use them. Did I use them after he told me not to? Only a few times. My grade, yes they were bad, but I have been working on them.

Me: And I stopped when you told me and my grades were only low because of the first month of school. I was still adjusting to school, the people, and life at home. But they are better now and I am trying.

I lied, but it was only because I needed him to hear what he wanted to here and I was scared of losing him. I started to just say what ever would make him stop arguing.

Ryan: Okay... promise?

Me: I promise with all my heart

Ryan: I didn't like that person. I hope you know that.

Me: I didn't either.

Ryan: Okay, we can still be friends, but if you ever go back to that, I won't think twice. That really bothered me that you would stoop to that.

Me: I was just really despite to feel something and I understand that is wrong but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Ryan: Well you didn't think about the people who care about you.

Me: I know. I was being selfish.

Ryan: Yeah really selfish.

The arguing finally died down.

I believe I was wrong. Ryan and I did not reach that level of friendship where I could tell him anything. From now on, I will just tone it down a bit. I will just tell him the positive things that happen in my life. It is hard to be happy anymore, but I will aat least pretend to be happy when I am around him or texting him. I will also try to text him every once in a while to make sure HE is okay and HE is happy. Maybe I should try to give him more attention that I do.

Isn't high school supposed to be the happiest days of your life? I must be doing high school wrong because these years have definitely been anything but the best years of my life. I don't even understand what my importance in life is anymore.