Story Of A Searching Girl: junior year

July 10, 2017

I don't know where to start. I don't even know what to say. So much happened. So much was said. So much was done.

Days kept going by and Ryan would still ask me for sex. The days that went by I still said no. Days went by and I told him good reasons why I had to say no

- Father's Day weekend you should be with your father

- It is your brother's birthday weekend

- You said we needed to stop

- I didn't like how you made me have sex last time

- You should start focusing on your future and college

But Ryan never stop asking the question can we have sex.

I honestly didn't desire sex with Ryan anymore. I wanted to be done. I am not going to lie. Yes, there were times when my body wanted sex but I didn't care for my urges. I knew it would be best if I didn't have sex.

I asked Ryan how much he valued our friendship. He said, he valued it a lot. He also said he felt as if I was a very close friend and he could tell me stuff that he couldn't tell his brother. It made me feel nice. He started to tell me about this girl he like. He asked me for some advice about her. I felt good about this. I felt like I could be trusted and that was a feeling I really wanted to feel. I didn't even get mad or jealous...but Ryan still would ask for sex.

So, I started thinking very hard. How can I get him to stop wanting sex or at least stop asking me for sex? Then it came to me. Ryan always wanted to stop having sex when he thought I had feelings for him so why not just tell him that I had feelings for him.

The next time he asked me why I said no to having sex with him it was around midnight on Tuesday. I said, "Because I have developed feelings for you. I don't want to hurt myself by having sex with a guy I like yet knowing it will never be. I honestly just want to stay the way we are just without the sex. It would be the best for the both of us."

He got mad at me for saying what I said. He kept telling me that I lied to him. He thought all my other excuses to why we couldn't have sex was bullshit. In all honesty, it was the other way around. I either made him really mad or really sad. It was hard to tell, but I started to feel guilty so I decided to text him.

Me: Hey

Ryan: Sup

Me: You could come over later today if you want

Ryan: Why?

Me: I said only if you want to. You don't have to.

Ryan: Okay but why though? What changed your mind? Is there a catch?

Me: No, no, no. I didn't change my mind.

Ryan: I am so confused. What do you mean by come over?

Me: Ummm to hang out

Ryan: Okay, but the thing is if I do come over I am probably going to want to have sex and I don't know if I can withhold from that.

I felt like if I explained everything I was feeling to his face, he would understand me more. I still obviously didn't want to have sex but I slightly felt like I needed to out of my own guilt.

So, the next day after wrestling practice he came over. We talked about wrestling for a bit. I told him my biceps and triceps were getting stronger. He told me they would never get as strong as his. His were the size of my head. So, since I am always so competitive, I began to play wrestle with him in my bed. It didn't take very long to for him to put me on my back and he was on top of me. He was grabbing my wrist trying to put them down to the bed, but he couldn't. I was too strong.