I'm ashamed in myself for letting it go so long without an update. My deepest apologies, I've just been so crazy busy :( I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!!
My head rests on Finn’s smooth chest. His nude body radiates warmth underneath the sheets, where my body intertwines with his. We’ve spent hours just fooling around and lying in bed together, and now he’s fast asleep. It’s eleven in the morning and my Mom will be here soon, but I would give anything to make this moment with Finn last just a little longer.
My mind is reeling from the fact that Finn told me he loved me earlier this morning. He hasn’t said that to me before, and I know that he doesn’t use the term lightly. Finn really meant it. I feel like my heart is about to explode with guilt and happiness. I give him a soft kiss on his chest before I silently slip out from under the sheets.
I walk into the bathroom and close the door behind me, grabbing my silk robe and tying it around my bare body. My feet lightly press into the cold tiles beneath me as I lean forward against the sink. My reflection is staring back at me with alarming disgrace. It’s dead silent inside of the bathroom aside from Finn’s light snoring from the bedroom.
The fluorescent lights make my skin look pale and the bags under my eyes are becoming worse. Stress is eating away at me. I have no one to blame but myself, though. I’m such a horrible person. I don’t even recognize the person in the mirror. I keep hearing Finn’s voice inside of my head, telling me that he loves me. The image enters my mind of Jack smiling and cupping my face with his hands before kissing me.
I see Finn’s awkward smile the first morning that I met him… the way he looked at me with kindness when Jack couldn’t even face me. I think about that night at Grace’s house when I smoked with Jack and he kissed me with such intensity. Finn was there when I was sobbing in the hospital, and he was incredibly sweet to my family. Jack loves me so deeply and I’ve hurt him countless times, just by not letting him love me the way he wishes he could.
The tears pouring out of my eyes obstruct my vision. My reflection goes blurry as I start to sob. I cover my face and back away from the mirror until my back hits the wall and then I slide to the ground. It’s cold in here and I can’t catch my breath. I try to be as quite as possible while I gasp for air and bawl on the bathroom floor.
I curl my knees up to my chest, wishing that I had never met Jack and Finn. I wish that I never went to the club with Katie. I should have stayed home that night and gone to bed like I wanted to do. All of these memories would be lost in some alternate universe where I allow myself to hurt and lie to the people I love. Jack and Finn would be better off if I had never met them. They would be free of my mess of a life. I have no one to blame but myself… I caused all of this and now it’s just too late to go back.
My body shivers and my eyes squeeze shut. I don’t know what to do. The more tears that spill out the tighter I shut my eyes. I don’t want to cry anymore. I gather myself quickly after I force myself to stop sobbing. I feel weak when I let myself crumble and break down like that. My Mom will be here soon and she can’t see me like this.
I hop in the shower and scrub myself clean. I dry myself and comb out my hair, trying not to lock eyes with myself in the mirror. I straighten my hair and apply my makeup with a slow intensity, demanding perfection in my appearance today. I walk out of the bathroom and Finn sits up in bed, roused by my nudity. I let him watch as I pick out a pair of red lace panties and slide them up my legs. I hook on a bra that matches and then head over to the closet.
Finn’s eyes don’t leave me for a second, which makes me feel a little better. I cover myself with one of his black T-shirts that has a colorful pocket and collar on it. Black skinny jeans hug my thighs nicely and I drape my shoulders in a warm, slightly oversized white cardigan. I snag one of Finn’s beanies and put it over the top of my head before leaving the room, not saying a word to him.
My fingers fidget as they reach into my purse and pull out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I thought I kicked this habit after my rebellious stage junior year in high school. I hide myself out on the balcony and sit down against the railing. Jack and Finn don’t know that I smoke, and I honestly don’t do it often. There’s just something therapeutic about it, for me.
I place it between my lips and light the other end. The smoke rises out from the cigarette and swirls in the air above me. I take a hit and trap the warmth inside of my chest, inhaling some of the smoke before releasing it. I like to watch the end of the cigarette burn away into ash.
The balcony door opens and I consider tossing the cigarette over the balcony, but I really don’t care at this point. Jack steps out onto the balcony with me, giving me a puzzled look as he shuts the door behind him.
“I didn’t know you smoked cigarettes. This a new habit?”
“Not really,” I flick the ashes away and avoid eye contact with him.
“Oh… well, mind if I join you?”
Jack sits down in front of me and crosses his legs. I pull my knees up to my chest again and stare at my feet, still not wanting to look at him.
He extends his hand and I look up. His fingers are spaced apart and he nods his head towards me, asking if he can take a hit off of my cigarette. I place it between his fingers and he puts it up to his lips, taking a long puff and then coughing a little as the heavy smoke spills out into the morning air.
I try to hide a smile at how cute he looks right now. His eyebrows are furrowed together as he eyes the cigarette in his hand. Jack catches me trying not to smile and chuckles.
“What?” he laughs.
“Nothing.”
“Are you laughing at me?”
“No, no, of course not,” I say sarcastically.
His laughter dies down a little, “Are you doing okay?”
“Why?”
“Because your eyes look like you’ve been crying, love.”
I wipe underneath my eyes, “Oh.”
“I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable,” he scoots closer to me, “I just… Are we okay?”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’ve sort of forced this whole France thing on you, right? You don’t want to go and I should just quit being a pest. I’m sorry for any additional stress… I know you already have a lot on your plate.”
“No, Jack. It’s not about France. That’s not why I was upset,” I whisper to him as the chilled morning calms my senses.
“Then what’s wrong?”
I can’t help but smile and take another hit off of the cigarette, “Are you happy?”
Jack is caught off guard by the fact that I answered his question with another question. He looks somewhat troubled and he leans his head in to me.
“To a degree, yes,” he whispers steadily, “I don’t think anyone is ever truly happy. I believe that people look back at their life and for some reason can only remember the good, and the lighter side of things. Everyone thinks that at some point in their past they were perfectly happy, but that isn’t real. It’s just an illusion time places upon your mind.”
“So you aren’t truly happy?”
“Ash,” he smiles, “No one is.”
“That can’t be true.”
“Are you truly happy, then? With your life? With Finn? With… me?”
I take a long pause, sucking in air and falling into Jack’s green eyes. I open my mouth to say something but no words manage to escape. Is there any point in lying to him?
Just then, I hear the front door open and a familiar voice ring, “Hello? Ashley? Sweetie?”
“My Mom’s here early,” I say to Jack in a panic, tossing my cigarette over the balcony railing and jumping to my feet, “We’ll talk later.”
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Travel (A Jack and Finn Harries Fanfiction)
Fanfic"It’s something that should have never happened. It’s so hard for me to regret it, though. Everything about him was perfect. Everything about him still is perfect." Ashley is hesitant to travel back to California, the place she used to call home. Bu...
