1st therapy | friday

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Mark Isaiah

"Do you think you killed her?"
"You already know the answer to that."
I glared at Dr.Tal as he asked me the same question he asked me every Friday session.

Of course I think that.

"It's been 4 years Mark-" I cut him off by raising my hand and rolling my eyes as I leaned back into the cushioned seat.

"I don't give a fuck if it's been 40 years, I can't just forget her, forget what happened, like everyone else."

I hadn't even realized I snapped at him until I saw the way he uncomfortably shifted in his seat. He cleared his throat and straightened out his shirt before continuing.
"You seem to have a lot of built up anger. Do you have an outlet?" A what? I looked at him with a puzzled look on my face, my nose scrunched up and I shook my head no.

"It's like a way to cope." He added on when he realized I had no idea what he meant earlier. I mouthed "oh" and leaned forward in my seat as I quickly shook my head no again.

I don't have a coping method. I just deal with it and try and live a semi-normal life.

"You think you killed her?" He repeated the question from earlier and I grunted in response. Slowly shaking my head yes, waiting for him to get on with it. "And you've thought this for how long?" I swiftly held up 4 fingers as he nodded dotting it down on his notepad.

"4 weeks? Months?-" cutting him off I laughed sarcastically, "4 years asshole, but you already knew this. Get to the fucking point." He could clearly see the irritation in my eyes as I glared at him.

Nearly dropping his clipboard he spoke, "So you, you've felt like you killed your sister for 4 years and you don't have a coping method? Maybe we can try and find-" he cut himself off this time. He paused mid sentence and just looked down to his lap as if he was thinking.
"You could write to her."

I felt myself getting angry at his suggestion, does he think this is a joke?

"Not fucking happening, she'll never see them."

Tapping his pen anxiously against his clipboard he sighed and leaned forward. The first time he ever seemed, relaxed around me.

"Just go home and write a letter to her.
Just do that for yourself if not anyone else."

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