letters to a ghost

3rd therapy | friday

Mark Isaiah

I don't know what I want from therapy.
Peace? Comfort? I just want to be normal again.

I don't want to be known as the guy that can go off at any moment, because he killed his sister.

I know I didn't intentionally kill her, but I was driving the car. Maybe if I was paying more attention to the road I would've noticed the other car, but I wasn't so I didn't and now she's dead because of it.

"What do you mean you're not writing anymore?"
Dr.Tal seemed disappointed in me, but then again has he ever been proud? "Exactly what I said, I'm over it."
I shrugged my shoulders and sunk deeper into the chair tapping my fingers lightly against my leg.

"I thought you said it was comforting-"
"I was wrong."
"What's changed?"
"Everything."

When I say everything has changed I mean it.
2 weeks ago I was perfectly fine with writing letters, it was actually nice. Now? It's torture, it's making me relive what happened every day. It's not helping me.

I started having nightmares again. I still remember when I told Dr.Tal I stopped having them. He said that it was a huge breakthrough. Since these letters are triggering nightmares that means they're a setback, right? That can't be healthy.

"Mark-" he sighed and leaned forward towards me before continuing, "What has changed?" He asked again like I was going to give him a different answer. I went to open my mouth and answer him, but he spoke up again. "I want the real reason."

I ran my hands over my face and through my hair before mumbling, "I'm having nightmares again, they're really bad this time around. Okay? Is that a real reason?"

"Yes it is. Here's the thing about therapy Mark, sometimes you have to take a few steps back in order to go forward. You never faced her death head on, now you're being forced to. That's what's causing the nightmares." I looked down to my lap and sighed, letting out a breath I didn't know I was holding.
"What do I do, I'm scared."

"Keep writing son."