letters to a ghost

8th therapy | friday

Mark Isaiah

I sat in the same spot I've been in every Friday for 4 years straight , amazed. Amazed with the fact that Dr.Tal is sitting across me and it's like he's as good as new.

Annoying as he was, I'm glad to have him back to normal.
His clipboard in his hand, his pen tapping annoyingly as he sat up straight in the chair, looking at me with kind eyes and a sympathetic smile like he was saying he was sorry for slipping up with my progress.

I want to forgive him. I want to tell him I understand that people go through shit even though I have no clue why he played a disappearing act. I do I swear I do, but he was suppose to be here.

I needed him and he wasn't here for me.

I stayed silent my eyes glued to him, forcing myself to break my gaze I turned and picked my bag up off the floor. Hesitantly I stuck my hand in the bag and pulled out the familiar black and white stuffed cow.

Keeping him close to my chest I looked forwards to see Tal writing something on his board.

"This is Benny." I was short and to the point, I had to be.
I was so ready to talk and be friendly last Friday and he was gone. I was ready the time before that and he was silent so I was too. Even the time before that I was ready and he ended the session short.

Now I don't know if I'm ready to open up to him.

"Benny is?" He asked watching me with a careful eye and open ears, hoping I'll give him something anything he can go off of.

"A cow dumbass. Why weren't you here?" I snapped changing the subject to the only thing I cared about in this moment. If he had a good reason- maybe I can understand why he wasn't here. Maybe.

He better hope he has a good reason.

"What?" He nervously laughed, but I didn't see what was so funny because I wasn't laughing.

I didn't repeat myself because I knew he had heard me loud and clear, I leaned back in my seat crossing my arms.

I think he forgets that I'm 20 years old, and that I can and will easily kick his ass if he fucks with my progression.

"I was going through things at home." Now he was being short, but it wasn't good enough for me. He's always urged to me to trust him and open up to him, but I don't know much about him.

How am I suppose to trust him?
How am I suppose to open up to him?

Who's to say he won't disappear again when he hears the full story?

"Dr.Monroe called you inadequate." I wanted to see his reaction, see if he agreed.

He raised an eyebrow and looked at me amused, wanting to see what else I had to say.

"I called her a bitch." The words fell from my lips quicker than I could stop them, I hid behind a sheepish smile when he laughed out loud, I had never heard him laugh before today.

Then he grew silent, like he was not even 3 therapy sessions ago. Dead silent, but this time I could see the gears turning in his head, he was trying to think of what to say next. He was going to tell me what happened. Maybe he was. I don't know I'm bad at reading people and signs and some books, but that's not important.

"My wife left me Mark, but she came home."

But suddenly my smile dropped, my blood boiling. I was pissed and I feel like nothing he said would make it go away.

Gripping Benny tighter and tighter I closed my eyes and laughed harshly. He really almost ruined tears and years of progress over a woman? I must mean so little to him, after all I am just a patient.

"I thought she was gone- I was in ruins." He tried to explained his situation to me. Key word is tried- he only made things worse.

She wasn't gone. He wasn't in ruins. He's a fucking idiot.

I opened my eyes and glared at him, my breathing was fast as my heart thumped rapidly against my chest.

I looked down at the toy, then back at him, then back to Benny, then him again. Rage. All I can feel in the moment is rage as I stared back and forth between the two.

"Gone?" I asked, venom dripping from my words, "With all respect she wasn't fucking gone- she" I held up Benny so he could see. "She's fucking gone. Addison is gone while your wife-" seething with anger, my face and body feeling hot and only getting warmer as I sneered at him.

"You're wife is home, while she is not."