12.4/17
Dont call me pretty
Don't call me pretty, because that word is just a label that helps men identify women as more of an object than they are already treated as.
Don't call me pretty, because I am much more then just a label.
Don't call me pretty, because that word drives my nerves.
Don't call me pretty, because I might actually believe you but then look into the mirror and realize you were lying.
Don't call me pretty, because I am not.
Don't call me pretty, because you are wasting your time on telling me I am something I am not when you could be telling that to the every other skinny girl in this room.
Don't call me pretty, because the boy who raped me called me pretty.
Don't call me pretty, because... I don't know what doest it mean and I feel stupid for asking for the meaning.
Don't call me pretty, because I don't feel pretty.
Pretty is such a strong word you know..
I look into the world and I can say: "yea she's pretty." But not while looking into the mirror.
Why?
Because I am sick of lying! I am sick of lying to everyone I am getting better!
I am sick of lying to my mom that I ate lunch!
I am sick of lying to my boyfriend that I will eat later!
I am sick of lying to myself that others see me the same way I see myself!
I am sick of actually NOT getting better!
And now - you are here.
You call me pretty all the time. And I feel like you mean it. I feel like you know I really am pretty.
But pretty for the bad reason.
Pretty for being skinny.
Pretty for starving myself.
Pretty for purging.
Pretty for dying.
Pretty for being dead.
And I'm so sorry if I ever made her feel that way.. Can I blame love for my stupid life choices?
She stopped eating and so did I to prove her that she is childish..
She started smoking, she started drinking, crying empty tears.. I did all of those thing for her too.
When I left her I was convinced that she was the one who left me.
So I continued.
And after a while I can finally see the bones in my reflection.
I can finally press my thighs together and feel nothing.
I can finally see how my body looks like a feather and weight like a butterfly.
And now I can finally.. die pretty.
