5.9/18 remake of chapter 15
The Remembrance of her
Her waist, her hips. A shape of a gorgeous base.
Troubled eyes. Lips pink as a barbie doll with this little glow on the top.
I fell as soon as I've seen.
I kept reminding myself its not worth it, i cant hurt myself again.
I told myself there is no need for another heartbreak. Another broken glass. Another lost soul searching for the beauty of a butterfly to sit on a flower with them.
I got the know her. And not the part everyone gets to just see. I got to know.. her.
She messed with my head. I Couldn't stop re-living the pictures of us.
I realized i cared. I cared for her and I couldn't live with it.
So i touched her trust and broke it.
She hated me so I started smoking to stop all the thinking, to stop the voices from screaming, to stop the time and have more drinks to think away my problems.. to think away, her.
All the suffering inside is draining.
All of the sudden I couldn't see her anywhere..
I can only remember her voice repeating - "try to be permanent in my life, be in my stories still alive!"
She is right. They sent me to rehab but I don't want to sober up so I lie and move the truth from place to place until I can find a place to call my own, to call my home.
A lot of people would say I'm temporary nowadays with the way I dress, with the way I talk - everyday I have a different opinion. But isn't that just temporary? The opinion, I mean.
I tried to move on.
He wanted us to move in, he wanted us to tell our lost truths, he wanted us to love. But no, can't do that. And that's why I am permanent.
I can't love anymore nor can I fall back sleep to go to the lost world of my own. These days nights are endless and my head is spinning just from talking.
Maybe I just get lost again. But where?
In the streets of my memories? Get lost in the past emotions of my previous pain..
no! Fuck!
Now that I'm lost I remember why I couldn't find myself. I followed the wrong path and broke my mirror with a different heart.. That belonged to her.
To her green eyes. To her sugar smile. To her.. To her already broken soul.
"I'm sorry..!" That's all that came out of me when she got lost. I don't even know if she heard me, probably not.
She fell too deep into her own thoughts and everything she stood for was gone.
I did that. I'm not proud. I feel like a butterfly with a half healed wing.
She didn't deserve it. I guess not everyone's endings are like a fairytale.
I apologize for my tough love.
I apologize for my ignorance.
I apologize for the pain passed on to you.
And I'm not trying to make this sound like a cry for help. I want her to know that I'm sorry.
I know we went by different paths.
Now, stay safe darling. Life is ahead of you.
Fixing my mistakes is ahead of me.
