29.11/17
I wanted to kiss her soft lips for the last time before it happened.
She said she hated me and I do too.
My tired eyes were filed with red and so were hers.
My view pointed to the ground, all i could hear were her tears.
"Goodbye." She walked away.
I was left there in the rain. My tears slowly faded into the drops of heaven.
Fog filled my sight of her and she disappeared.
I hated myself for loving them both at the same time.
She changed so much for me.. And that's what made me feel like I don't deserve her in the first place.
I can't love her when I love him. It's not fair to her, its not fair to him, it's not fair to me.
But he.. He made me feel secure, loved, cared for.. Sometimes when I got scared I still felt safe in his arms..
Even when he's miles away and even everyone says this is just a phase- it's not.
I thought love doesn't exist. He showed me it does.
I thought i was alone. He was sitting next to me.
I thought I was lost. He showed me the way while getting lost in my ocean blue eyes.
Now, am I doing the right thing?
He's hooked on me, hooked on my love.
I am his high. It's like I'm his sky.
And he's the stars just hanging on me. And just like stars he slowly falls off from time to time.
How can I do this to him?
How can I do this to myslef?
I used to be like him. He used to be my world. And don't you get me wrong, he still is my world.. I just also want to be alone with my thoughts and demons.
It's like we switched.
But again there is no need for another heartbreak. Another broken glass. Another lost soul searching for the beauty of a butterfly to sit on a flower with them.
Isn't it just like drowning in a toxin, screaming for a lost buttercupbaby?
I started smoking to stop all the thinking, to stop the voices from screaming, to stop the time and have more drinks to think away my problems.
All the suffering inside is draining.
They sent me to rehab but I don't want to sober up so I lie and move the truth from place to place until I can find a place to call my own, to call my home.
A lot of people would say I'm temporary, with the way I dress, with the way I talk - everyday I have a different opinion. But isn't that just temporary? The opinion, I mean.
He wanted us to move in, he wanted us to tell our lost truths, he wanted us to love. But no, can't do that. And that's why I am permanent.
I can't love nor can I fall back sleep to go to the lost world of my own. These days nights are endless and my head is spinning just from talking.
Maybe I just get lost again. But where?
In the streets of my memories? Get lost in the past emotions of my previous pain..
But no!
Now that I'm lost and I remember why I couldn't get out last time. I followed the wrong path and broke my mirror with a different heart.. That belonged to her.
To her green eyes. To her sugar smile. To her.. To her already broken soul.
"I'm sorry..!" That's all that came out of me when she got lost. I don't even know if she heard me, probably not.
She fell too deep into her own thoughts and everything she stood for was gone.
I did that. I'm not proud. I feel like a butterfly with broken wings.
She didn't deserve it. I guess not everyone's endings are like a fairytale.
I apologize for my tough love.
I apologize for my ignorance.
I apologize for the pain passed on to you.
I don't deserve to have you as a person of beauty close to my heart, close to my thoughts, close to my demons.
Now, stay safe darling. Life is ahead of you. One of things we don't have in common.
