12.12/17
I wish I could say I have "no regrets".
Sadly, I can't. Life is messy and so is the inside of my head.
If you would have a look inside you'd probably see shadows moving from place to place, broken wings of butterflies, cigarettes.
Oh yes, my cancer sticks.
Some people have said to me that they would like to be me, have my life. And I would gladly give it to them. But I can't let myslef do that to another human. They don't deserve the calculator stuck in their head.
Its like it doesn't have an off button
50 for apple, 183 for bread, 24 for butter.. The list is endless.
Just come home and work off the food that is such a normal part of the day to everyone else.
I tried. Don't ever forget that I tried to stop the numbers from floating in the space of my mind.
I know it sounds as ridiculous as it possibly could but you have to understand you can't just stop breathing either.
Try holding your breath. At first it seems easy but then it gets more and more difficult to stay without air. Air, that beauty we need.
Well believe me it's even harder when you run as fast as you can for twenty minutes and then hold your breath. It Isn't easy, not even from the start.
That's why I can't stop. It's like a song stuck in your head that won't just go away and even if it would it'll find its way back to you.
A normal life is a definition I don't live by. I can't.
Maybe I really am not a person of sanity. I mean I pass my brokenness on. Yes, someone else passed it on to me but that doesn't make me a better self being.
Alright, let's say it like this, if I don't drop those dead pounds I come to a point where even my body thinks I'm just a smuggled stain on a painting thats now needs to be thrown away.
It feels like if you were pouring salt into your fresh cuts, it hurts, it burns, it makes you want to die.
Let me remind you that I was born this way. It wasn't a choice I made like most of you may think I did.
I just sometimes wonder why? Why are people like me obsessed with being so called "skinny". Why do we damage our beautiful bodies? Why do we starve to be a pound lighter?
I mean there must be something wrong with me.. Until now I didn't know that there was such a thing as "fat wrists".
Is it all worth it may be the question?
Well no, is it worth the fallen out hair?
Is it worth the damaged teeth?
Is it worth the bruising?
Is it worth the tired eyes?
Well that's for you to decide.
But! Is it worth the compliments?
Is it worth the beautiful bones sticking out?
Is it worth the photos at the beach?
Is it worth proving a point?
Again, that's for you to decide.
All I'm saying is: Don't make dying for skinny sound like a fairytale to someone else.
FYI : me on the photo ( ^)
