BROKEN DREAMS

Chapter 2 - When I was Young

I grew up in a small village just outside Kajang,  an hour bus ride from the capital Kuala Lumpur, which everyone calls ‘KL’. Kajang was famous for its ‘satay’ (a dish made from small pieces of meat, grilled on a skewer and served with a spicy peanut sauce).

My village only had 150 families. It was divided into two sections; ‘new village’ and ‘old village’. ‘New village’ had better houses although they were all made of wood atop concrete base and concrete pillars. ‘Old village’ had fewer than 30 families, and was surrounded by jungle and rubber plantations. The houses were mostly made of wood only and some are just shacks. I grew up using candles when it’s dark and, later, kerosene lamps. It was a big advancement when we were able to power a fluorescent tube with a car battery.

Water came from a well. It was forbidden for us to go near the water well, where children had slipped and drowned. But we were always so curious to look into the water well, which was just surrounded by a low stonewall. It felt mysteriously alluring to look into the dark pool deep below. I was young enough to eagerly await the day when I could draw my own water like the big kids.

I was left alone often at home from very young age since my parents needed to work. My parents were rubber tappers who also managed a rubber smokehouse for a tyrant lady boss. They worked hard to support their three daughters. However, they were too busy to look after young kids. So my two younger sisters were sent off to my aunt in Malacca when they were only a month old. I was the eldest of us three sisters. Sons are important to a Chinese family. They carry on the family surname and lineage. In my teenage years, I remembered I overheard my mom telling her sister that she regretted not trying for a fourth child whom she felt would have been a son! And those words got my mind ingrained with the thought that no matter what I must have a son in future!

My mum would leave me playing with my toys in the living room, locking me in the house, before leaving for work. I was only five years old then. The windows would be left open so my grandparents who lived next door could occasionally peep in to check how I am. Sometimes, they passed me some sweets. There were always lots of toys for me to play imaginary games with. These early years affected me tremendously. I grew up preferring to be alone with my own thoughts. Even as a kid, I had lots of questions, but there was no one that I could ask. My Chinese family believed that ‘children were to be seen and not heard’. And so I grew up, shy, lacking confidence in speaking and meeting people.

My mum was the iron lady in the family. She made sure that we go to school, fought to buy a small piece of land from my Grandma to build our first home, and brought home our first black/white TV. She learned to ride a motorbike at 35 and drive a car at 44. I remembered how she would pick me up from college in her small old Honda bike. Many times the rain caught us. Sometimes I can almost feel again the stinging pain of the rain on my face, holding onto my Mum as we darted among the highway traffic.

I felt embarrassed then to be fetched by my mum in an old motorbike, although I should have been proud of my mum for keeping an eye on our future. My dad, on the other hand, lived for the moment. He spoiled us with treats whenever he could. While young, I always favored my dad. I now realize that my mum had to be strong since my dad just lived day to day. Someone had to think about the future.

My dad passed his leisure time playing an illegal game of mahjong at a coffee shop with three friends always. As a kid, I learnt when to ask dad for money. If there were a lot of chips in the little drawer in front of him, I would whisper, ‘can I have 10 cents?’ And he would then give it to me, and I would run off happily to buy six pieces of sweets, enough to provide a day of pleasure. It doesn’t happen very often though. Not that my dad’s a bad player, but he just played small to pass time.

My mum, on the other hand, worked non-stop, from early morning to late at night, tapping rubber trees, helping in the smokehouse, taking care of us kids and handling the usual never-ending chores. I felt my mum at times resented my dad especially when he care freely enjoyed a few games of mahjong at the end of the day whilst my mum continues to work. Not knowing how to cope with her resentment, my mum would always pick a quarrel with my dad after he came home from mahjong.