Camera Shy || Ben Barlow

Twelve

I'd hugged him when he got back. Ben, I mean. The second I'd seen him, a huge relief washed over me, but then came the dread - the embarrassment of being caught sitting in Fil's bed - and, after that, the compulsiveness. I stopped thinking. He'd been outside, possibly lost or hurt and definitely cold, but then he suddenly wasn't, and I could breathe again. For a moment, I thought he'd push me away, but he didn't. He just let me stand there, my arms around his waist, his lazily draped over my shoulders, as he dripped rain water all over the hotel room. Eventually, he placed his hands on my shoulders and forced me away from him, tilting his head to the side and frowning. "Are you okay?"

"Alex got a bit big for his boots. Told this ridiculous story about a loose murderer in the city. Freaked her out a bit," Fil said, looking amused. My face flushed, again, upon realising exactly what I'd just done. I'd only just figured out how I felt about him and I as already making a fool out of myself. I stepped away, fiddling with my sleeves, extremely conscious that my hair was a mess and that I'd removed all of my makeup ages ago. "Turns out Essa doesn't like storms. Or the dark. Or missing people." Ben reached out and ruffled my hair. He may as well have kicked me in the chest, as my heart fell to my stomach and I lost my breath.

"I'm gonna go get changed. You probably should, too," he said, motioning at my now damp clothes with a satisfied little smile on his face. He'd been in a terrible mood for days, but had just come in from hours in the rain, soaked through, first looking forlorn, but now with a smile on his face. I would never understand this boy.

I thanked Fil for the new set of clothes he'd given me, nearly identical to the previous, and gave him a little side hug before deciding to climb into my own temporary bed and roll onto my side, phone in my hand. I quickly found that the internet had died ages ago, groaning and setting my phone down on the little bedside cabinet, rolling to face the wall. I'd never slept in the same room as any of the boys and I wasn't quite sure how well this was going to go.

It turned out that Fil talked in his sleep and Ben couldn't lie still, falling out of bed every so often and jolting himself awake. His systematic thuds throughout the night had woken me up on numerous occasions, but he always apologised with a coy little grin, which I'd seen through half closed eyes. Fil slept like a baby, despite his little mumbles about a lost cat. Odd boy.

I woke up first, at approximately seven in the morning; I'd had a terrible night's sleep and honestly didn't want to get out of bed, but Dani soon burst into the room, jolly in the way that Dani always was. "Up time!" He yelled, most likely waking up half the floor, but he didn't mind. I did, and so did Ben and Fil.

"Why, Dani? Just... why?" Fil asked, groggily flailing his arms, as Ben stretched without sitting up first, hitting the headboard with his hands as his toes toppled over the edge of the bed.

"Essa?"

"Hi," I said, with a small smile, putting my feet to the cold carpet before realising that the electricity had already been fixed; the little lights behind Fil's bed had been turned on and the TV had a little blue light on its side.

"We're off for breakfast in ten minutes. Be there or be square," he said, dramatically, raising his eyebrows before running out of the room, letting the door shut itself.

"He never ceases to surprise me," Fil said, a funny look on his face. "Looks like we'd better get dressed, then."

I considered just going downstairs in what I was wearing, but decided against it with the realisation that it may embarrass Fil as well as myself. I walked myself back to my hotel room, knocking on the door with the realisation that I'd left my key card in Fil and Ben's room.

"Where have you been all night, young lady?" Zach raged, pulling me into the room by my wrist, as an angry father would. "We were worried."

"I slept in Fil's room," I said, causing Cara to raise her eyebrows. "Not like that, you pervert. Ben was in there, too."

"Threesome?" Zach said at the same time as Cara said, "The book! Did you see it?"

"To be honest, C, I wasn't even thinking about the book," I said, elbowing Zach in the ribs before rooting around in my suitcase for a pair of jeans and a jumper.

I ended up changing my t-shirt and keeping Fil's hoodie on, but with a pair of blue jeans. I slung my camera strap around my neck, as if I might need it at breakfast. I, unsurprisingly, opted for the same black Vans I'd been wearing every day for the past two years, realising how weird it was that it was socially unacceptable to not wear shoes in a hotel, despite it really just being an extremely oversized house.

By the time we got downstairs, the boys had already tucked into their continental breakfast, but West looked like a disgruntled toddler and Ben looked... sticky. "Why the fuck is there glitter everywhere?" Sam groaned, his expression closely resembling West's.

"There's literally glitter on my croissant," Fil said, in disgust, kind of sounding like a snob, even though I knew he had exactly twelve pence in his bank account; these boys all needed financial advisers. Desperately.

"I wouldn't eat that if I were you, I said," concerned about ho much glitter, exactly, the croissant contained. Fil shrugged and pulled a face before taking a bite out of the dry croissant. Appalled, I decided to take a seat between Cara and Zach.

"I can't sit next to someone who doesn't put butter on their croissants."

"Forget the croissants," Ben grumbled, clearly bothered by something. "What the fuck is this?" He turned his phone to the boys, first, and then Cara, Zach and myself; he had the entire table in tears within seconds. Right there in front of me was the single best photo I had ever taken of anyone during my entire career as a photographer; Ben Barlow pulling the least flattering face I'd ever seen in my life, fully in focus, getting more attention on my Instagram than I'd gotten in a long time.

"A monstrosity," West howled, struggling to swallow the rest of a bread roll he'd shovelled into his mouth as he laughed.

"Why don't you ever take ugly pictures of us, Es?" Fil asked, almost looking genuinely upset. The fact was, that they just didn't pull faces weirdly enough without doing it on purpose. Ben just had a genuinely weird looking face when he performed.

"You're all too pretty," I said, earning a scowl from Ben and a proud little grin from Dani.

"Yeah, I'm pretty," he said, tapping away at his phone screen with his left thumb, his right hand occupied with a piece of soggy toast.

That night was the Paris show. I wasn't sure if I was looking forward to it, yet, or not, even standing between the crowd and the stage, now, but I was pretty hyped to gather some horrific photos of Ben; I'd considered, once or twice, creating an Instagram page dedicated to awful photos of Ben but figured that it would just be offensive, coming from his own photographer. I'd let the fans do that bit. Maybe I'd prompt them with my next post, give them ideas for a username.

As always, Dani barrelled onto the stage first, his friends all closely following suit, Ben finding his place in the middle of the stage. Seeing grown men scream like excited teenagers in the crowd made me feel warm inside. Almost as warm as I felt when Ben looked directly down at me with a smile, before turning his attention to the crowd and breaking into the first song.

I always wondered if they ever got nervous before shows, if they had any pre-show rituals to make things go smoothly. They didn't strike me as nervous people; Ben didn't really care about much and the rest of the boys were extremely chilled out, from what I could gather. But everyone got nervous, didn't they? I did, and I wasn't even on the stage. I was just the photographer. No one was looking up at me for over an hour, anticipating the best night of their life, the best live music they'd ever heard. These hundreds of people, thousands of people, weren't expecting anything from me. Most of them didn't even know I was here.

How did these boys get up there night upon night, no sign of nerves at all?

A/N: Hi!

We're getting closer and closer to actual interesting things happening in this fic and I'm honestly stoked but terrified at the same time

I'm nowhere near done but wtf am I meant to do with myself when this fic is finished? It hasn't got a sequel kind of ending