Camera Shy || Ben Barlow

Twenty Five

"It's alright, Es," Cara told me, playing with my hair as I laid across her bunk, my head in her lap. "It's not like he's good looking." I choked, wanting to protest, but realised she'd just shut down all of my arguments anyway. Ben wasn't good looking, no. Ben was immaculate. I didn't tell Cara this. 

"It just... it hurt, C. I didn't expect her to know who I am, to be honest, but hearing him tell her that he's not seeing anyone fucking hurt." 

"Maybe you should have just gotten with Fil when you had the chance. He's too soppy not to tell his mum all about you," she said, drumming her fingers on my forehead as if her personal goal in life was to give me a headache. 

"I don't like Fil like that, C," I groaned, trying to sit up before realising that these beds weren't tall enough for a one-year-old to stand up without banging their head. 

"Who doesn't like Fil like what," Fil whispered from behind the flimsy curtain that gave a shadow of privacy. Cara jumped, hitting her head on Zach's bunk, above mine, before shouting a string of swear words at our unexpected guest, who'd poked his head around the curtain. He looked much more proud of himself than he should have been.

"Essa doesn't want to bang you." Fil slapped his hand to his chest, recoiling in mock horror. 

"Everyone wants to bang," he motioned suggestively at his own body in a movement that I never thought he was actually capable of, "this!" 

"No one wants to bang," Cara replicated his seizure as best she could while in an awkward half-hunched sitting position on the bed, "that!" 

"Right that was just fucking uncalled for," he retorted, leaning back on the wall. "Loads of people want to bang me, ladies. I'll have you know I have an extremely exciting sex life."

"Yeah with your hand," Cara snorted, and I was beginning to think that this had quickly turned into flirting, yet I wasn't involved in any way. 

"Moving on! Why are we on about Essa not wanting to do me?" I groaned, pulling a pillow from behind Cara and burying my face, hoping that if he couldn't see me, I'd just stop existing altogether. 

"Ben told his mum that he's single," Cara whispered, as though she could shield me from her words. I knew that I was probably overreacting - I hadn't told my mum about Ben and me yet, either - but it definitely didn't hurt any less to be told, again, that my boyfriend had announced his bachelor status to his mother.  

"What? Did you two break up? Right, two of my best mates split the fuck up and neither one of them thinks it's a good idea to come to me? I'm dead comforting!"

"We didn't break up. Well, I don't think so, anyway," I said, through the pillow still firmly pressed down over my face. I wanted to disappear. 

"What happened, E- can I just," Fil pushed the curtain further back and forced himself into the too-small-for-one bunk bed, now cramming three of us into this tiny space, "Thanks - what happened, Es?" 

"I literally just told you," Cara snapped, and I heard the crack of her hand against his skin, probably his upper arm. With Cara, it was usually the upper arm. "Do you even listen to anything I say to you? Ridiculous." 

"Es, did you hear that? I'm suing for bullying in the workplace."

"Fil, shut up," I mumbled from under my pillow, before pushing it off of my face and moving to lean on Fil. Fil was usually quite brutal with his advice, but he could be pretty comforting when he really wanted to be. I took in a deep breath and sighed, nuzzling into his collar bone like I'd known him forever as Cara brushed through my hair with her fingers. "He told his mum that he's single. On boxing day. You know when he was on the phone literally all day? I was right there, Fil." 

"You're still coming to the show later though, right?" I could always count on Fil when I needed him, and on Cara to slap him when he was being a cunt. 

"Priorities, Fil!" Cara screeched. 

"Alright, alright. Don't hit me, fucking hell. It was a dick move, I'll admit, but we all know he can be a bit of a knob don't we? Like, it's not news. He doesn't know what he's saying half the time."

"You're not invited to any future pity parties, Fil," Cara told him, trying to pull me away like a baby being passed around by extended family members who just 'haven't had a cuddle in ages'. I didn't necessarily want to let go and fully considered crying before realising that Fil would probably go and tell Ben that he'd made me cry, and then all hell would break loose. I wasn't ready for that, today. "Fucking useless..."

"I'm still coming to the show," I mumbled into Fil's shoulder, trying to change the subject while realising I couldn't submit them all to the horror story that was Zach's iPhone 5s photography for yet another show. "It's my job."

"Thanks girls! All I needed!" He clambered out of the bunk, half falling to the floor but managing to pick himself right back up again. I'd never seen him so clumsy (sober, that is). 

"Is it just me," Cara said, grimacing as sh climbed out of the bunk, "or does he smell of feet today?"

"No, he definitely smells of feet."

Getting ready for the show was pretty standard. Cara and I got changed awkwardly inside our bunks and attempted to do each others' makeup while Zach hogged the bathroom and a few of the sound guys complained about the lack of mirrors.

I tugged my jeans up a little further on my waist on my way out of the bus, rolling my eyes when Ben gave me a little smile. I didn't want his smiles. Regardless of how badly I may or may not have overreacted, it was going to take a whole lot more than a poxy smile to get me back onto his side. 

"You coming backstage with us?" Sam asked, nodding in the direction the rest of the boys had headed once we'd gotten inside. Really, all I wanted to do was go set up merch with Cara and Zach and pretend that I wasn't fighting with my boyfriend, but I really needed pre-set photos of the guys. 

"Yeah, why not?" I said with the falsest smile of the century, wanting to curl inwards on myself. I honestly just wanted to go to bed. Fil slung his arm over my shoulders with a smile as we followed the rest of the boys to the little dressing room they'd been provided with. West set himself up on the old Xbox 360 the moment he saw it, muttering about how his PlayStation4 was much better while I took a few photos to immortalise his concentration face. He looked much smaller when he was concentrating. Vulnerable, even. It was endearing. 

Ben tried to talk to me a few times, but I managed to ignore him, talking over him and pretending I hadn't heard. 

"Essa, please talk to me," he said, just as the classic 'Neck Deep, Neck Deep, Neck Deep' chant began in the crowd, fizzling out only to start up again a moment later. 

"I'm working, Ben," I muttered, not wanting to look at him. He'd sounded heartbroken but it wasn't enough to make me fall into him and let him lie to people about our relationship. I was heartbroken, too. 

"Essa, please. I need to talk to you."

"No, you don't. You need to go and do your job," I told him, watching the boys file out of the room (most likely to give us space, but I didn't want it). He reached for me and I wanted so much to just let him, to reach for him back and sink into his chest and pretend that none of it had ever happened. I didn't. "Go, Ben," I whispered, wanting to cry but refusing to let him watch. The moment I cried, he'd win. 

"I love you," he told me, for the first time, quietly. 

"Go, Ben," I said, louder this time. More abruptly. I wanted him to leave. He did.

I followed, about thirty seconds later, realising I had to be present for their opening. I'd wanted to get right up into the upper levels of the venue for the first song, but I didn't have enough time, now, so I made my way to the little trench between the stage and the crowd and did my best. I didn't look at Ben. 

"It's been a bit of a shit night, you guys," Ben shouted into the microphone as if the whole room wouldn't be able to hear him if he spoke normally. "So we're gonna do a song pretty relevant to me right now, yeah?" The crowd, as it goes, went wild. 

I went back to the bus part-way through December.

A/N: according to my excel plan this fic is now 82.07% completed and I'm 100% not okay with that 

s t r e s s e d