Mind Of Mine ~ Justin Bieber as Jason McCann

chapter eighteen: Goodbye My Almost Lover.

No POV
"He's gone!", a fearful doctor yelled from the room of the rehabilitation unit. "Who? Who has gone?", a nurse by the name of Marjorie entered the room. "Jackson. Jackson Connor McCann. He's not here. His bed is made and his machines are off!", the doctor spat.

Doctors had searched all over the hospital. Jackson was nowhere to be found. He wasn't caught on CCTV. He had disappeared into thin air. Marjorie reached into her pocket for the key to a storage room in an attempt to look for some pharmaceuticals.

"What on earth", Marjorie mumbled to herself, pulling out a folded piece of paper attached to an orange envelope. The paper read, 'Marj, I know you are wondering why the fuck I left these in your pocket. But before I get into that I just wanted to thank you. I realised that I don't do that enough. Thank people that have truly done everything they can to help me. As for envelope. That is also a thank you. Not to you though, so please do not open it. If you see a girl with long brunette hair, green-blue eyes that goes by the name of Cynthia walking with a young man that looks a lot me except with less tattoos and is a little bit shorter that goes by the name of Jason, give this her. Make sure the man doesn't see it though. I trust her to show him when she is ready. I know they will come looking for me. Explain what you know and sneakily hand over the envelope to Cynthia. DO NOT show this note to the doctors or nurses. I trust you with this. If they ask you, deny it. I don't want to be found. Yours sincerely -Jackson'.

Marjorie's heart was beating faster than before. She smiled to herself knowing that he was safe. She slipped the note back into her pocket and started analysing the orange envelope. On the front in big bold letters it read 'FOR MY ALMOST LOVER. CYNTHIA RENEE MONTGOMERY' and on the back just over the seal it read in smaller letters 'please remember to take care of yourself'. Marjorie found herself becoming tears eyed. She gently slipped the envelope away and sniffled, wiping her eyes in unison.

Cynthia's POV
Jason insisted on coming back to see Jackson. Despite mine and Jackson's previous conversation (which I did not tell Jason about), I accepted and decided to go with Jason.
"Hi we are here to see Jackson McCann.", Jason spoke politely to the woman on her desk. She started explaining something but my attention wasn't on her. It was on a small old lady, dressed in a nurses uniform, gesturing me to come towards her. I heard Jason begin to argue with the woman at the desk. I ignored it and waltzed over to the nurse. "Hello are you Cynthia?", she asked me. "Yes I am. What is it?", I responded. She told me everything that had happened.

It took me all I had to not break down on the hospital floor. I just wept quietly. "He told me via note to give you this", she held out a small orange envelope. "This is the note he gave me. If I were you I'd take a look at that before the envelope.", she smiled and walked away. Leaving me speechless. I left Jason - who was now arguing with some other members of staff. I gathered they were telling him what was happening - tears were streaming down my face as I stormed out of the hospital doors and into the heavy rain. I leant up against a sheltered brick wall so that the papers I had been given didn't get wet.

I read the note that was addressed to Marjorie. And then I pulled out the orange envelope. The words 'FOR MY ALMOST LOVER. CYNTHIA RENEE MONTGOMERY' were embossed on the front. I flipped over the envelope and smiled through my tears when I saw the words 'remember to take care of yourself' written on the back. I gently opened up the envelope and pulled out a folded up sheet of A4 paper. I began to read.

Cynthia,
I know I shouldn't but I think of you, all the fucking time. Sometimes I really, really miss you and it hurts like fucking hell. What I'm about to say, I should of said when you were by my side in that hospital bed, like I was supposed to, instead of acting like an impulsive bastard.

I remember the day we met. I remember every fucking thing. You made me vulnerable somehow, like I couldn't defend myself against you; and that scared me more than anything else ever had. You touched my soul and then it felt as if you left. I lost my mind, that made me feel weak. I hated to admit I wanted you, I hated it because I knew I couldn't have you. Seeing you with my brother hurt so much; but it made you happy and it made him happy. You two are the most important people in my life so I couldn't be selfish and snatch it all away just like that, all because I was jealous.

I loved you but all I learnt from doing that is that love is a fate far worse than death. How could someone make you so happy, yet crush you with the slightest touch? When I was sane, I tried my best to do everything for you but at the end of the day, you still didn't want me. I couldn't accept that. You were MY first priority. Selfish I know but that's me.

I wanted to fix you. However, a person can not be fixed by the same person that broke them. You used to say 'sorry' all the fucking time, that is mostly because you thought everything was your fault. None of it was. None of the pain you endured was your fault. I failed you, this is on me.

I broke you in more ways that humanly possible. Then I left another man to pick up the pieces. So how is it fair that I had an escape, whilst you poured your heart out every night thinking you were never good enough for me. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair how I never told you how I really felt. You were too good for me, I knew that when we first locked eyes. I tried to warn you off, but I didn't try hard enough because look where we are now. I am so fucking tired, yet I always find the energy to sin. That's what I did when I led you into this life.

I hate a lot of things, but the thing I hate most is how you never found it in your heart to hate me.

I remember you asking me "Did it kill you if we kissed?". I replied no when the real answer was yes. It did kill me when we first kissed. It killed you as well, yet you stayed oblivious to it. I don't regret that kiss, not on my behalf anyway.

I left because I wanted to rid myself of what I feel 24/7. Although, who am I without this pain?
Life hurts a lot more than death. Even when you surround yourself with safety.
I am not coming back. Not ever as it's for the greater good. It would break us both in the end. All violent delights have violent ends.
Now we are strangers. Strangers with all of each other's secrets.

If they ask about me, tell them these exact words, "I was the only person who loved him with honesty, and he broke me".
I'm not sure where you are reading this. I'm still losing my fucking my mind over you though.

Enjoy your life and forget my name. Just know that I will never forget yours. I'm not dead. I'm not alive either. Not anymore. I'm a ghost with working organs. I am never truly happy, some days I'm just a little more sad than the others. I'm waiting for my time to come. When it does, be at my funeral. Tell the world the truth, I always loved that about you. You mange to mask everything to the outside, yet you are still the most terribly truthful person on this terribly fake planet that people call earth.

Even though we are meeting our ends, I will love you always. When times are even tougher than the others, I will think of you and remember to thank you for showing me that even when your life is a living hell, one person can make it feel like heaven on earth.

Remember all the good parts of our time together, now that our time is up.

DO NOT come looking for me, that is all I ask.
All of my love, forever and always,
Jackson x

I was sobbing by the time I'd finished reading, I when to scrunch up the envelope when I felt something hard at the bottom. I tipped it over and a gold ring fell out into my palm with small embossed letters that read '14 carat gold. For you my princess', the note read. This was the ring he'd given me after he lashed out on me the first time. I threw it in his face when I left him. He must've kept it.

I held the note and ring against my chest and continued to sob.
I'd lost him. This time for good.