Mind Of Mine ~ Justin Bieber as Jason McCann

chapter nineteen: The Best Kind Of Broken.

Cynthia's POV
You never know the last time you'll see a place. Or a person as a matter of fact. Sometimes I wonder if we ever think of each other at the same time. And then I remember not to be silly and get on with the life I live now.
"Do you love yourself, Cynthia?", Dr Reid asked me. It took me a while to respond. "No, I guess not", I mumbled. "Do you love Jason?".
"Of course I love him", I defended. It was true, I did love Jason, I loved him more than any other human being I'd ever encountered. I knew I loved him when the term 'home' took a human form.
"Did you love Jackson?", Dr Reid knew this was a rough subject with me. It had only been a month since he left.
"Of course I loved him. You don't allow someone to have that much of an effect on you unless you love them.", I admitted. "Tell me everything. What is on your mind?", she quizzed.
"Fuck me Joan. If I were to tell you that, we'd be here for a good 40 years.", my facial expression screamed 'I'm not joking'.
"After everything, I always think and force myself to believe that I could not possibly be in so much pain again. Yet I always find myself breaking that boundary. He fucked me up, I don't know what he did. I think that everybody goes numb eventually because they get so fucked up, the mind stops allowing any real emotion to come in. I'm not numb. Not yet. I have raw emotion and I express it to the people I trust. Take Jason as an example. He listens to me pour my thoughts out to him everyday because that's what you do when you trust someone.", I paused. "After all of these restless nights I spent trying to figure out what I was afraid of, I think I've finally cracked it. I'm afraid of the past repeating itself. I'm afraid of being mistreated and lied to. I'm afraid of being beaten to the verge of death. I'm afraid that eventually my demons will take over me and kill not only me but everyone around me; just like they did with Jackson.",I said sullenly.
"The truth is Dr Reid. I'm not sure if I'm depressed. I mean I'm not sad but I'm not happy either. I can laugh and joke and smile just like I did before I met Jackson. Although when I'm alone, I forget how to feel and I run circles in negativity.", I admitted.

"What are you afraid of?", I turned to face Dr Reid who was sat opposite me writing notes. She looked up. "I'm afraid of death", she admitted.
"Well I'm going to tell you something that I was told once. It's incredibly important to listen. Life hurts a lot more than death", I repeated Jackson's words. I felt a pang of pain hit me mentally. She stared at me intriguingly. "Also spoiler alert, everybody dies. There are so many fates worse than death; life, love.", I said being brutally honest with her. "Don't be afraid of something you can't run from. Trust me, I learned the hard way.", and with that I stood up and made my way out of the room and through the corridors.

My therapy session was now over. I decided that I wasn't going to see Dr Reid again. If i wanted to overcome this sadness, then I'd do it myself. It was my way of dealing with things. Right now I'd get back to my house and continue packing up the rest of my stuff.
I had graduated and I still lived with my parents. They knew bits of what was happening but I mainly kept all of my doors shut. I would tell them when this never-ending saga was over. Me and Jason had discussed leaving this town for good. It took some convincing but I eventually agreed to it. We planned on moving to New York. We had found a loft apartment online that we had fallen in love with. We obviously would come back to visit our families but that's about it.

90% of me was so relieved to finally let go of this small town with millions of secrets. It had caused me so much pain. However, 10% of me wanted to hold on to it. I wanted to remember the good parts; meeting Jason, going to parties, hanging out with Kennedy, Elle and Mila.
It was a similar situation with Jackson. That 90% of me wanted to completely free myself from him and all the pain he caused me; I wanted to let go. That other 10% wouldn't let me though, it wanted to hold on to him. It wanted me to get up and search for him, make sure he's ok. I couldn't do that, I couldn't be selfish. Or maybe I could, maybe it was my turn to play that role.

I decided to stop by at Jason's on my way back. I pulled up outside of his house and stepped out of my car and walked up the porch steps.
My spirits were lifted when Jason opened the door before me. "Hey", I smiled. "Hey gorgeous", he smiled back pulling me in to his embrace. A wave of his cologne filled my nose, I smiled against his chest. "You almost packed up?", he asked me as I pulled away. "Yeah almost I thought I'd stop by to see if you wanted to get takeout and help me pack the rest of my stuff", I stood shuffling my feet smiling stupidly. "Yeah sounds good let me grab my hoodie", he quickly ran upstairs and was back down within seconds.
"Lets go", he smiled whilst pulling his hoodie over his head.

We had the short two minute drive around the lake to my house. "Mom! Dad! I'm home!", I yelled in search for my parents. "Hello dear, hello Jason", my mother beamed as she descended the staircase. "Hey Mrs Montgomery", Jason conveyed a sweet smile. "Where's dad?", I quizzed. "He's taken your brother to his soccer game he should be home soon", my mom responded. "Ok, well Jason's gonna help me pack up the rest of my stuff and we're gonna order takeout.", I smiled at Jason and then at my mom. "Ok", my mother replied, smiling and exiting through to the living room.

I ran upstairs followed by Jason. I opened my bedroom door and stepped inside revealing box upon box of my stuff and it felt like deja vu when I saw the only pieces of furniture in my room were my mattress and standing mirror.

"Shit, these things are ancient!", Jason blurted out. I turned to reveal him knelt down beside my record player, the grin he had on his face revealed his dimples. I couldn't help but mentally gush over the sight of him. "No they're not!", I declared chuckling. "Seriously, dinosaurs were roaming the earth when these things came out", he laughed. I couldn't help but giggle at his silliness. "Damn how do you even work these?", his confused expression, allowed me to suppress a chuckle.

I wondered over to him and knelt down. I leant across him to grab a random record from the box that sat next to the machine. I placed the vinyl on the player and moved the tone arm into place. The record went static for no more than a couple of seconds before One Time by Marian Hill blared through the machine. I danced my way slowly towards the light switch and turned off the light. The only light visible now was the small, glimmering of my fairy lights that lay, sprawled out over my standing mirror.

I threw my hands over my head sensually and allowed my fingers to roam through strands of my hair. I moved my hips to the beat, completely freeing myself of reality. In the midst of the music I felt Jason's strong arms snake around my waist. His lips brushing against my neck as he moved his body in sync with mine. "Were supposed to be packing", I whispered. "Let's just let go for a few minutes", he whispered into my ear. I felt his lips kiss their way down my ear and down my jawline.

He spun me around on the balls of my feet so we were now face to face. He grabbed my neck delicately, closing all the space between us. I showed no hesitation when I pushed my lips against his.

The air between us was electric. It made me feel like a real person, for the first time in so long. All though I was broken, this was the best kind.

I was the best kind of broken.