breathe me (e.dolan)

seventeen

"Ethan Dolan. Ethan. Dolan. Ethan Grant Dolan.

I had to say it out loud a few times. I'm sorry. It just feels like everyone is purposely not saying your name, like your name is some kind of plague. And I know they're doing it to be kind, to save me from going crazy. But truthfully, it's driving me fucking nuts to have people tiptoeing around me all the time, treating me like I'm made of glass. They need to stop, because you're going to be fine.

You're not even 20 yet. So you can't die. No, you can't. Because if you give up, if you die, then you won't be able to get married - we won't be able to get married, won't be able to have kids. You won't even get to start your career and come home after a long day with a smile on your face because you're actually doing something you love. You won't get to have your first legal drink and pretend like it's a big deal, like you don't already drink now. You won't get to see me do any of the same things. And you won't be able to do it with your twin brother. With Grayson who loves you more than he loves anybody on this earth, maybe even more than himself.

Grayson practically breathes because of you. You guys are each other's halves; even when you fight you can't storm away because you'd rather be mad together than apart. You have sleep overs in each other's rooms more than you sleep alone. And if you leave, Grayson won't remember how to live, because he's only ever known life with you and it's selfish to take that away so soon. To leave him wondering what the measurements are for waffles now that he has to make a smaller batch. To leave him setting new alarms in the morning because he doesn't have to wake you up earlier anymore to account for how late you always are for everything. It's so fucking selfish to leave him confused in the middle of the night when he wakes up from a nightmare and walks, half asleep to your room and turns on the light, wondering when he notices you're not there if maybe you're staying over at my house. And it's not fair to leave him alone when the sleepy fog lifts from his eyes and he realizes you're not gone for the night, you're just gone, and the nightmare he had was the memory of the day he lost his best friend.

So you can't. You can't give up just yet. Hang in there, Ethan. Hang in there because you don't have another damn choice."

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on one hand i want to just post the last couple chapters RIGHT NOWWWWW and on the other i just want to postpone finishing this book for another 7 years there's no inbetween