If It Were Me

The Games

I miss Grant, plain and simple. No pretty pictures, no cryptic messages. But why I miss him, I’m no longer sure. Before, it would’ve been because we were friends. But now… Grant’s warm lips colliding into mine flashed by and I shivered with longing pierced with anger. Why did he have to do that? Why did he have to screw everything up? It wasn’t suppose to be him. It was never meant to be him.

 I sighed before picking at another string on my blanket, empty homework papers in front of me. Carlie laid beside me, dutifully texting her boyfriend(s) with new found fervor. I bit my tongue as her phone chimed again, her girly squeals making me want to shake her. It’s not my place to judge her. It’s not my place to judge her.

Her phone rang again. Carlie’s cerulean eyes lit up and she threw her head back, laughing at whatever the text said.

It’s not my place to judge her. I’m being kissed by boys I’m not even dating. What room do I have to talk?

My eyes flickered towards her one more time. I could feel my stomach flipping in frustration at seeing her so… happy. What is there to be happy about? She’s playing two guys like a set of bongos. She couldn't keep doing this forever. I let out a exasperated sigh, picking my words carefully.

“Carlie, we seriously need to talk about this having-two-boyfriends thing,” I exclaimed, sitting up from my lying position. Carlie paused in her texting to look over at me. It was maddening to have her look at me like that, as if I were in the wrong. She turned off her phone and sat up as well, hugging one of my pillows.

“Okay, speak.” I took a breath, unsure of how to approach this without igniting Carlie’s low self-esteem. Carlie would never say so, but she’s rather sensitive. The simple comment of saying that-shirt-wasn’t-her-color would put her into tears.

“I just… you need to choose. It’s not fair of you to cheat on Kirk and pretend that you’re interested in Brady,” I said, my words slow and deliberate. My friend looked at me for a moment, her eyes blank. Eventually, she narrowed them.

“This isn’t my fault, if that’s what you’re saying. I didn’t ask them to like me.”

“Well, you sure didn’t discourage them,” I quipped sharply. My eyes widened at my reflex reaction. Oh shit. Embarrassment laid itself over me like a warm blanket. My mouth sputtered opened and closed as Carlie looked at me, mortified.

“Are you calling me a slut?” I think I am.

“No, I’m not,” I responded, pedaling backwards as fast as I could, “I understand that you like both of them, but you need to pick one. Particularly the one that is best for you.” Carlie glared at me so intensely I couldn’t hold it. My eyes wondered randomly before landing on my nails.

“It’s not that simple, Seaver. You can’t just pick one.”

“If you really cared for them, you would let one go,” I retorted gently, my eyes narrowing involuntarily. I never knew how I could do this, be so cruel and kind all at once. Chance always said I could tell someone to fuck off with the sweetest grin on my face. I wonder if this is how I look to Grant.

Carlie’s eyes were brimming with tears, her cheeks flushed white. “But they’re both great! I love them both!”

“Carlie, I understand, but you can’t keep hurting them like this.” This is getting no where fast. God, reasoning with Carlie is like talking to a brick wall. My cerulean-eyed friend scoffed before standing up.

“You’re my friend. You’re supposed to support me,” she said, her eyes shining in the orange light of my room. Okay, strike that, an autistic brick wall.