Newton's Law Of Moving On

Motionless In Bed (Law Of Intertia)

It is now 4:00 in the morning and i have to wake up by 6:00 to get ready for work. But i'm still wide awake. I still haven't slept yet. Nahiga ako ng alas diyes pero hindi parin ako natutulog. Hanggang ngayon.

Maybe I got traumatized or i've developed PTSD from the torture i just had the last 11 hours. I've just attended my ex's wedding. Sa bestfriend ko. Sa sariling bestfriend ko.

My head is buzzing like a bitch kasi nag inom ako pero hindi man lang nakatulog. Things kept running through my head. The past, his words, his promises, the day we broke up. And in an instance, yung kanina. The song they played, the dress she wore that looked like pastry, the suit he wore that suits him so much, the i do's, the kiss, the pain... everything.

Napakabilis ng lahat. Limang taon na pero para sakin napaka bilis parin ng lahat ng 'to. Hindi parin na aabsorb ng utak ko ang lahat. Hindi ko magawa kahit anong pilit kong ipasok sa isip ko na wala na. Wala na talaga. I already knew that by the time he left me on the parking lot. I already knew that the day i saw their invitation on my mail.

I thought, napaka manhid naman nila. Why would they send me this? Parang iniinbitahan nila akong magsuicide eh. Words written in white lace like "We would like to invite you on our nuptial..." sounded like "We invite you to your own execution..." instead.

Pero kasi, oo nga pala, I met them accidentally on a restaurant while i am dining with a boy i'm blind dating with. At syempre, ayokong magmukhang pathetic, i slightly stomped the guy's foot to make him act up for me.

Sabi ko, okay na ko. With my smile so plastic. They bought it. Silang dalawa, kilala nila ako eh. My bestfriend and my boyfriend for almost ten years. They know me more than anyone.

But why did they bought it when i said i'm fine? They should haven't asked in the first place. And they knew my smile very well. So bakit sila naniwala? Why can't they see that until now, i'm not fine.

I'm not a slow person. I'm actually witty and smart. Boys like that about me. Pero may mga bagay talaga na hindi mo magagamitan ng ganyang mga abilidad. Just like how i could not utter a word the day i met him and the day i lost him.

Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko parin maintindihan. I still can't understand how a perfect relationship could be ruined by just one mistake and how could my very bestfriend, ruin every single damn thing for me. How could she take away the only perfect man for me?

I and Timothy, were perfect. We barely fight. We have the same likes and interests. We understand each other and our parents are friends. Even our hands, when interlocked, are so perfect like puzzle pieces. We clicked. That's why we lasted for ten years.

Months before our breakup, nothing suspicious happened. 'Di gaya nung sa mga telenovela na nagiging cold at hindi nagrereply. He's the same to me. Until one night, i saw him kissing with my bestfriend and their hands all over each other.

And i, trying to be understanding, did not throw a bitch fit or shouted at them. Even though i'm shaking and i'm about to collapse, i tried so hard to be composed and calm.

Kasi baka nagkamali lang sila. I don't want to loose them both. Them guys are one of the most important person in my life. All along i thought it was a smart choice. Pero hindi. I guess i should've beaten the shit out of them when i had the chance. Kaso nga, on times like those, you outwitt yourself.

I took small steps towards them. Small steps. On my calmest voice, i asked them what is happening. All they could say is sorry. I was going to forgive but he held her hand. He held her hand when he should have held mine.

He said that he was, again, sorry but he was inlove with her. The word 'sorry' flooded and i drowned. Para akong nabingi sa salitang 'yon. I could not say a thing kasi, nag iisip parin ako kung ano ang tamang sabihin.

Pero sa huli, umalis sila. Iniwan nila ako. Then i finally lost my shit. I finally collapsed on the hard, cold, marbled floor.

On the wedding ceremony, i was silently praying na sana, may pumigil sa kasal. Kasi hindi ko parin yun kayang gawin. After all these time, i still can't. Atleast, not me. This is still my bestfriend's wedding.

I was jinxing Diana to trip on her wedding dress and fracture her foot really badly para lang hindi matuloy ang kasal. But in the end, they still exchanged i do's and sealed it with a kiss. Swear, it was longest hour of my life.

At ngayon, madaling araw na. I'm still  awake. Nag iisip kung paano ba ako magpapatuloy. Kasi ako nalang ang hindi nag po-progress eh. Many things have changed and i still can't deal with it. I'm still hurting and i can't do anything about it.

Huli na ang lahat para sakin... he's gone forever at... wala na akong oras para matulog. Earlier than usual, i get up from bed.

I was about to make instant coffee pero i thought, since maaga pa, mag bbrew ako. It may take some time pero, matagal ko narin kasing hindi nagagawa yun eh. I used to love it.

I was about to grab the cereal ng maisip kong magluto nalang muna. Maaga pa naman eh. Kahit ngayon man lang, i will indulge myself with my favorite breakfast. Bacons, fried rice with longanisa and sunny side up egg.

It's been so long since i cooked for my self. Puro ako instant at fastfood. Mabye, the reason why i can't progress is because, minadali ko ang lahat.

Yes. Minadali ko ang lahat. I know it's crazy because it's been five years and i still haven't moved pero, sinubukan kong bilisan eh but the thing is, hindi naman ako umuusad.

I forgot my self. I forgot the things things i used to love, the little things i adore and i neglected the people who cares for me and worked my butt off. I tried to fasten up everyday so that when it's time to bed, makatulog agad ako at hindi na umiyak habang iniisip siya.

I thought it was the easy way out but all i did was trap myself in. Sa pagmadali ko, lalo akong bumagal. I remained motionless.

Newton's Law Of Inertia says "...an object at rest will stay at rest or an object in motion will stay in motion and travel in straight line, as long as no external net force acts on it."

I may have tried to live everyday but i did not put my heart in it. Yun ang mali ko. Kasi kahit dumaan na ang mga araw, wala parin. Kasi ang totoo, hindi ako nag effort, kundi, nakalimutan ko lalo ang sarili ko.

When i finished my breakfast, i bathed and indulged myself with the warmth of the shower. I dressed up nicely and made my make up perfectly.

Instead of taking my car, i took the bus instead. I indulged myself with the morning breeze and it's particular smell. I used to love that, as well.

At pagtapos ng trabaho, i walked to the seaside benches nearby the hotel i'm working to see the sunset.

Gabi na naman. Another day have passed. It was beautiful. The sky's in so many colors and the setting sun is red-orange. It may have rested today but for sure, it will come up again tommorow.

It occured to me that, even though he's out of my life, the sun will still set and rise like nothing happened. That's why i need to go on not just because this world won't wait up for me and it will keep spinning even if i died today but, i want to. And i need to. For myself. Not for anyone.