The First

18.1

A/N: Hey guys! I know you've all been waiting so patiently for this update and I apologize that it is a day late :) I've been sick for the past week, so I'm sorry if my writing isn't up to par. I'll try to read it over when I'm feeling better, but I wanted to get it out to you all as soon as I could. Enjoy!

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02 - 17 - 2089

I can only stare, mouth agape, as I try to process the words I heard moments ago. Millions of thoughts run through my mind, so fast I'm unable to catch even one. I struggle to breathe, or maybe I'm not breathing at all. 

Director Ilene Lestat glances over at me, dropping her hand from Cade's head. She catches the expression I'm sure I'm making and smiles slowly. "You didn't know?" Her grin continues to widen as she claps her hands. "Well, that is interesting. My son, ashamed of the family name?" She laughs, but it holds no humor. "Did he even tell you his last name?" 

"I don't understand," I say at last, ignoring her question. "Cade?" He lifts his head at his name, his eyes meeting mine. They hold pain and guilt. The blue is heavy with it. I can see it weighing him down. 

Director Ilene Lestat leans forward, bending down so she cuts off my view of Cade. "Don't you see? My dear son didn't want you to know what family he belonged to. He didn't want you to know that his family was responsible for keeping you here. For unlocking your secrets."

"No!" Cade protests in a growl, and Ilene moves enough that I can see him struggling against the grips on his arms, struggling even though it must cause him pain. "Gis, I didn't tell you becau--" His words are cut short as one of the soldiers knees him in the gut, forcing him to double over with a groan. 

"Please, no," I sob, straining against my own restraints at his cruel treatment. The soldiers struggle to hold Cade still as Ilene strides over to him and rips off a piece of his shirt. He glares at her with fury, but she doesn't seem to notice or care. She shoves the fabric into his mouth, cutting off his protests and successfully gagging him. 

"Please stop," I try again, my voice a mere whisper through the pain in my heart. I can't seem to summon enough courage in the face of this new knowledge. I can hardly connect two thoughts together. The jagged pain in my heart is ever increasing, pushing away all coherent thoughts. 

"I know this must be hard for you to hear," Ilene says, not turning away from Cade, who hasn't looked away from her once, his blue eyes so cold I can almost feel them. "But Cade was working with us the whole time. How do you think you managed to get away from us so many times? We could have taken you back anytime we wanted, but we needed you to see the purpose of all this. We needed you to see the suffering of everyone out there."

"No." I shake my head, unable to say more. I shake my head again, wishing I could speak what I feel. Wishing there was someone who could tell me the truth without bias. Is there anyone like that in this cold world? 

"This must be very hard for you," Director Ilene says, though her tone isn't kind. She is enjoying this. Every. Horrible. Moment. 

"Director, we should--" Doctor Acosta starts to speak, but Ilene raises a hand to silence her. 

"There is plenty of time. I want to make sure Gis understands perfectly what has happened." Ilene pierces me with a gaze that says she is waiting for me to speak. 

I swallow and look to Cade through tear filled eyes. He is watching me steadily, his eyes heavy with meaning I can't decipher. He says something through the gag, but I can't understand him. 

Ilene catches my stare and frowns, turning to the soldiers who hold Cade. "You may take him away now." Ilene waves a hand toward the door, and I watch with muted horror as they drag Cade out, our eyes meeting one last time. I swear I can see the love he holds for me in that gaze, but I can't stop the confusion from spreading. I need more time to figure this all out. 

Once Cade is gone, I force myself to stare directly at the Director. "Cade couldn't have been working with you. He..." I hesitate, wondering if she knows about what Cade means to me. Do I even know what he means to me? What we are?

"He... what, darling?" Ilene purrs. "You weren't going to say that he loves you, were you? Because I'd hate to tell you it isn't true." She nods to Doctor Acosta on the other side of the bed. I switch my gaze between the two, pain slicing me up on the inside. I can feel myself start to consider the possibility that she speaks some truth. He is her son after all. I never had a mother, but I know that there is a bond in such a relationship. There has to be. And how can I compete with that?

"Why?" is all I can say, all I can manage between the blur of tears and heartache and confusion. Gis, have you made the greatest mistake of your life? Have you given your heart away to a liar? 

A mild poke in my arm has me looking over to see Doctor Acosta inserting an I.V. into the crook of my elbow. I watch as she hooks up a fluid bag, and then injects a syringe of something into the tube. 

"Because you needed to know the stakes," Ilene Lestat says simply. "We aren't the bad guys, Gis," she says as my vision and hearing begin to fade out. Ilene is the last thing I see before the medicine pulls me into a dreamless, suffocating sleep. 

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When I wake, I'm in my old room. The familiar charcoal covered walls greet me as I sit up from my old bed. The mattress is harder than I remember it being. The thought is sporadic, but I can see why this room feels so cold. Once I used to think it was all I needed, but that was before I saw the world. And why should I settle?

My eyes slowly go across all my old drawings, only stopping as I see my drawing case in its place on my table. Untouched and beckoning to me. It was always how I dealt with the pain and confusion in this place before. It was the only thing that kept me grounded when nothing else made sense.

I slide my feet over the edge of my bed, my muscles protesting the slightest movement. The pain feels like a thousand pricks of a needle all over. I try stretching for a bit, easing up the tightness in my arms and legs. 

It doesn't help. The moment I try to stand, every muscle strand in my body radiates pain. I sink to the floor instantly, barely holding back a cry of pain. I struggle to keep my breathing slow and even, panic hovering on the edge of my mind. What did they do to me? My muscles ache worse than I ever remember them hurting. 

Calm down, Gis. You're just sore. Everything's going to be fine. But that's a lie. And my mind knows it. I'm trapped in this place again. Cade is who knows where, being put through who knows what.

 A sob escapes my tight throat. He lied to me. I don't know if all that Director Ilene Lestat said was true, but I know he lied to me. And I can't bear to think about what it might mean. I'm gasping for breath, wondering if each will be my last. 

Maybe I'll finally find peace. Maybe death won't be so bad. The thoughts slip into my mind, shadowing the pain. I don't know what to do anymore. So I let myself go. I let myself cry, each sob ripping out of me with all the pain I feel. All the rage and anger and frustration I feel in my very bones. I know they're watching me but I don't care. 

Everything I once held close has been ripped away. 

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