The Girl on the Reset Button

January 21, 2011

“Hey, Doc.”

“Yep?”

“Can I…,” he raised one of his eyebrows, “take her out for today?”

“Xavier, this is not a fast food chain. You just can’t take our patients outside the hospital. We have to protect them. That’s part of our job.”

“I’ll take care of her. I promise.” I raised my right hand. “I just have to take her somewhere she has to see.”

Dear Diary,

I think it’s time to let her know the truth. I’m going to take her to her parents’ grave and tell her everything that has happened. She has to know this. She kept on asking about this and now, she’ll know the answer.

“Where are we going?”

“To the place that would answer your questions about your family.”

If something went wrong, I know, she’ll forget about it the next day and I could try it all over again. I know, I’m using her disease to keeping everything okay or alright, but what can I do? I want to make her everyday perfect and I don’t like to do things again and again if it will only make her sad or unhappy or whatever. I want her to feel that the world is still with her. That she is not alone. That she has me with her.

“What are we doing here?”

I helped her get out of the car. “Remember when you asked me earlier about your parents?” She nodded. “Well… the answer lies in this place.”

“Do you mean…” I forced a smile. “Oh god. No. This is not true. No. No.”

I can’t tell how sorry I felt when I saw her frustrated about what has happened to her family. The last day she remembers was all of them were all happy watching the television in their living room, and then now, she’ll know that her parents died. Out of nowhere, they just died in her memory.

I thought that bringing her here in the cemetery would be enough to answer her questions, but I was wrong. It’s not easy to just accept the fact that the people you love died when yesterday, all of you were… happy.

Why haven’t I thought about that earlier? The more I want her to know the truth, the more I hurt her feelings. Though, the truth hurts anyway. Since it is the truth, we just have to accept it even if it hurts so much.

“C-Can you tell me what h-happened to them?”

I sat beside her, between her parents’ grave. “They were caught in an accident.”

“That’s why they won’t visit me in the hospital…” I nodded. “Wait,” she looked at me, eye to eye. “Why am I in the hospital in the first place?”

“I don’t know how to say this but… you’re sick. You have leukemia.”

“Oh my god.” Then, she started crying again.

She’s like a kid who doesn’t know anything about what’s going on around her. She doesn’t even know what date it is today or what is she doing in the hospital. She doesn’t know anything except for the fact that she has a happy life. Before.

Though, no matter how much you want to help her, to tell her everything that she has to know, she’ll just forget all of those things when she wakes up the next morning. She’ll forget about everything. Her life will just restart over and over again. She’ll laugh, she’ll cry, she’ll mourn, she’ll paint, she’ll do things over and over again. And she doesn’t know that that’s all she’s been doing for years already.

Later, she calmed down and stopped crying. “Am I going to die?”

“Of course not,” I said lightly. “You’re already okay. The hospital took care of you so much.”

She laughed a little. Then, she looked at me once more. “If I’m already okay, why am I still staying inside the hospital?”

“Uhm, because there’s no one out there who can take care of you except them.”

“Well,” she smiled, “you’re here.”

That was the nicest thing I have ever heard ever since all things failed in my life. I never thought that I could be something to someone who’ll just forget about me the next day. I just can’t believe that she’ll feel the same way too. I can’t believe that that could be possible. And it’s happening.

But it can’t be. I can’t take care of her. I can’t give her things that the hospital can give her, food, shelter, medicines, comfort, an art center and other stuff. I can’t give her that. I can hardly support myself and then I’ll have to support her too. As much as I want to, but I can’t let her live in my misery. I can’t let her live in a world filled with sadness and whatsoever when she already has everything she needs laid out in front of her. Besides, the hospital still has to take care of her because she’s sick. She needs the care of doctors and specialists. She needs these people. And these people are not like me.

“No,” I said. “You’re much better when you stay in the hospital. They can take care of you, give you whatever you want. I can’t give you that. I can’t give you everything.”

“I don’t need everything.” She held my hand. “You’re fine. You’re enough.”

We went to my house afterwards. She said that she wants to see my house so we drove there. She cooked popcorn before we watched V for Vendetta. After, she asked me if she can cook. Of course, I said yes. She said that she loves cooking for her family and for people she love. One time, when her friend was sad, she made her a chocolate cake. She feels light and happy when she cooks for people and it makes them happy. Then, we spent the rest of the night talking and laughing our asses out.

I don’t know what happened but it was a miracle. I never thought that this day could happen. But it did. It was like a story that you never want to end.

But it would.