Tf2 x reader oneshots!

Merasmus x reader

Suggested by loudpanda121, enjoy!

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(y/n)'s pov

"Cower fools! Merasmus is here!" A tall figure with a staff and a goat skull on their head walks into the coffee shop where I work.

"Uh... hello sir. How can I help you today?" I plaster on a smile and hope to get this encounter over with as soon as possible. Why do all the weirdos want coffee on my shift? Just a few moments earlier that soldier dude came in with the Bostonian kid, and now here's a man with a skull on his head! I snap back to reality as he starts talking.

"Hm, you recognise a man deserving of respect. Maybe you are not so much of a fool as I first thought." he nods at me before looking at the menu and ordering. "I like my coffee how I like my magic." he jokes and I can't help but chuckle at it. He looks stunned, did I do something? Maybe not many people laugh at his jokes. That's sad, he's a funny guy. I smile at him and nod in understanding.

"so, one black coffee for the magician." I find my smile is more genuine as I realise how silly the sentence I just said was. Magic isn't real, and the concept of a magic user is funny, but ridiculous. He looks stunned again, like I had just said something incredible.

"You know? You realise my power!" He leans forward and whisper shouts to me. I might as well play along at this point. I give a wide-eyed look and nod vigorously. "I've heard of the power of Merasmus the magician. I'm in awe to finally meet you sir." I know it's wrong to tease and make fun of him like this but seeing the overjoyed expression on his face made it worth it.

I make the coffee and hand it over to him, a genuine smile on my face at the grin he gives me. He places it on the counter before ruffling through his pockets.

"If you ever need a job, here's a spell to create a doorway to my castle. I would love to have you as an assistant. You appear to have the correct qualifications but an interview will be set up to be sure."

He hands me a yellow scroll and I raise an eyebrow. "Is there much competition for the place?" surely there can't be, the role is for 'magician's assistant'. But to my surprise, he nods solemnly.

"many people out there crave my power and to be an assistant is to be my right hand. I hope to see you soon." he responds and turns to leave. But, before he can, a voice with a Boston accent calls out.

"Hey, ma'am. Too busy chatting up the barista to remember your coffee?" I feel a wave of annoyance rip through me and I turn to address the offending figure to find it was the guy who asked for a café au lait and a cookie. I sigh and go to reprimand him for insulting a customer when said customer steps forward. He grabs the staff he brought with him and before I could react he lashes out at the perpetrator whilst yelling "staffus attackum!"

The Bostonian dodged and flipped a table, knocking over several chairs and spilling sugar packets everywhere.

"That is ENOUGH!" I yell and grab the offending figure by the ear, twisting it.

"ow, ow, oW!" The kid complained.

"oh shut up. You have angered and provoked a customer, disrupted everything on several different accounts and now you've damaged company property." I gesture to the table, which was sporting a new crack in the wood, and also to the sugar packet holder, which was in pieces on the floor. " I'm sorry but you've been given more than enough chances. You are hereby banned from coming here." I say in an authorative tone and release his ear.

"Jeez babe-"

"Do not call me that."

"Jeez scary lady, ease up here. It was just an accident."

"was the time you smashed our crockery with your bat an accident? Was the time you ran laps around other patrons against the other team's scout an accident? Was the time yo-"

"alright lady, we get it. I messed up a lot. Forgive and forget?" He asked and held his arms out in an 'I surrender' gesture. I half considered it, until I saw his eyes flick to Merasmus and the smugness held inside them.

"no." I spoke bluntly and scout looked defeated. Until suddenly, he straightened his back and folded his arms.

"what if I don't wanna leave?" he smirked but I held eye contact. I crossed my arms too and stared him down until he was shifting uncomfortably.

"Get out."

And with that, scout turned around and hurried away. I turn to Merasmus who was watching the spectacle with an amused expression. "sorry about that."

He simply shook his head and laughed. It started as a chuckle but grew and grew into jolly evil laughter. It was contagious and soon we were both doubled over laughing, tears streaming down our faces. Once we'd caught our breath, he spoke up.

"Forget the interview, you're the perfect assistant." I look up, smiling and think. The magician's apprentice. I don't know why but that's sounding more and more appealing. In fact, It sounds like working as this man's right hand is the perfect job for me. I stare into his eyes and grin, taking off my apron and dump it on the floor next to all the mess.

"when can I start?"

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Okay I know this was more of a friendship, fluffy story but if it's requested I'll make one with a deeper relationship, maybe a continuation of this one but more on the romantic side of things. But for now, here's your Merasmus story. I hope you enjoyed it!

-awesomepotato